Jerx Christmas - Michael Weber - 4:28 PM

Oh, this is fun already. The first group of guests included a lot of parents and their kids (the kids are having a huge sleepover in the basement while we get rowdy tonight). Their arms were overflowing with gifts and bottles of booze and crockpots with appetizers warming inside.

And then, who should I see stumbling in at the back of the group but Michael Weber and Tim Trono.

“You’re here early,” I told them.

“A lot of people are proud to close down a party, but we like to get that shit ramped up. Whoooooo!!!!” Tim said, and it was clear they had already been drinking. 

“Come on in,” I told them and Michael shoved a gift in my hands. 

The wrapping paper was torn and I could see that inside it was a box of “Jumbo Sized” condoms. 

“Oops, I guess I accidentally ripped it. That’s not the only thing I’ll be ripping tonight!” Weber said. I don’t know what that meant really, but Trono high-fived him.

“Here, let me fix that,” he said, taking the gift back. He pressed his hand against the package and said a prayer to Santa Claus, and when he removed his hand, the wrapping was healed.

“You think you can use that gift?” he asked.

“Uhm… oh yeah. Sure. Of course. I can just about squeeze into a jumbo-sized one, I think.”

Michael gave me a look and just shook his head. “Here, I’ll fix that too,” he said, and gestured toward me and said another prayer to Santa. 

Then he and Tim stumbled off to get some eggnog. 

What had he done? I took a peek in my underpants to see if he had “fixed” me in that way, but sadly, everything looked the same. I figured it hadn’t worked.

But then I opened up the gift and saw that it had magically changed to a box of “Trojan Little Gentleman’s Petite-sized Condoms.” Just my size!

As a gift to you, Weber and Trono have a way for you to perform a similar trick in your own home. Just click the package below. There’s a password for this, but it’s an easy one if you read the site. What’s the term in the Jerx vernacular for Michael’s prayer to Santa? In other words, the presentational thing that “causes” the magic to happen. (The thing that I say “snapping” is a bad example of.) That three-letter word, lowercase, is the password.