"Every possibility for your life is happening somewhere. And that doesn't even begin to address all the universes you don't even exist in, where your parents never met. It's too overwhelming to even begin to grasp."
"So let's just think of this moment and this universe before it splits. Going forward from this moment there are an infinite amount of universes that will split off. Later tonight, in one of these universes, we're going to run off to the justice of the peace and get married. That's sweet. But also, in one of these split universes you're going to kill me. And in one of them I'm going to kill you. That's not so sweet."
"Have you ever had a decision to make, and you know you should go with one option because it's the best for you but you find yourself following a different path? Well, you just happen to be in the universe where you follow that path. Don't beat yourself up about it. There was nothing you could do about it. Well... kind of."
"Let me show you. I'm going to make a decision that's going to split this universe. It's a decision about what I'm going to do this weekend. The options I've given myself are to do something evil or something good. I want you to snap your fingers and at the moment you do I'm going to choose one of those courses, and when I do this universe will split along those two paths. I want you to really remember this moment and everything that happens going forward. Now, take a deep breath then snap your fingers." She does. "And with that, the universe has split again. I've chosen to do something evil this weekend, so we're on that timeline. The other universe, where I chose to do something good, is spiraling away from us somewhere. Here, let's do something to help us keep track of things." I grab a deck of cards. "Is there a card in the deck that seems evil? I mean, like it could represent the dark-timeline that we're on."
"Hmmm.... the ace of spades?" she says.
"Yeah, that will work, let me find it. Okay, here it is, the ace of spades. Sign your name on the back. Also we need one more piece of information. We need a Constant. Something personal to you, but something that would be the same in any of the universes that led to you being here today. Is there a word or a number that has a special meaning to you? Like if I said, 'What's the most important word or number in your life,' is there something that immediately comes to mind?"
"Yes," she says. "The number 26."
"And what does that mean to you? Actually, don't tell me, it's none of my business. But that's not just a random number you're picking, right? And it's not a number that comes to your mind from anything that happened in the past few minutes or anything? The 'you' that woke up this morning would always answer '26' to what's the most important number to you?"
"Yes."
"Great. Write 26 under your name."
She does. I take the card, fold it into quarters and have her put it in her pocket.
"Let's get out of here," I say. We leave my apartment and start walking a couple of blocks to a US Mail box.
"What's something evil I can do tomorrow?"
"I don't know," she says. "You could hit someone."
"Huh? That's not really evil. That's just bad."
"Kill someone?"
"Okay, good idea. I'll kill that kid who lives next door to me. Ryan. I'll sneak into his window tomorrow night and slice his neck open from ear to ear. Then I'll cut his head off his body and put it in the toilet tank. I'll take his body back with me and then take a bunch of pictures with it in funny poses and post them to his mom's facebook. Then I'll sell his body to a pedophile on Craigslist."
"Ooooooookay," she says, taking a step away from me.
When we get to the mailbox I pull a piece of paper and an envelope out of my back pocket. I ask her for her mailing address and write it on the envelope. I turn the envelope over and write "26" on the back. Then on the sheet of paper I write the following:
Dear Suzanne,
I am going to kill my neighbor Ryan and desecrate his corpse.
This was all my idea. I take full responsibility for my actions.
Andy
I give her the letter and envelope and don't touch it again. I tell her to read the letter, fold it, and put it in the envelope, and seal it. I give her a stamp to put on the envelope. I say, "Okay, this part might not work, but I want you to put a little tear in the envelope. Just a small one, but somewhere that feels right." She puts a tear in the envelope on the right-hand side, just above the bottom corner. I tell her to drop it in the mailbox. She does and we start walking back.
"After the shit goes down this weekend, it may come out that we were hanging out tonight and I don't want anything to come back to you. So now you'll have that letter as evidence that you had nothing to do with it. And because you won't get it until after I do the deed, it's not like you could have stopped it in any way."
We step inside a corner store on the way home and I buy a box-cutter.
When we get back to my apartment I explain that I'm not kidding. This is really going to happen tomorrow. But not to feel bad because that just happens to be the timeline we're in. Then I explain that there's another universe out there where we are having the inverse evening. Where I'm still talking with her about the multiverse but in that universe I made the decision to do something good this weekend. "What type of thing do you think you would have suggested I do in that universe?" I ask.
"Hmm... maybe volunteer at an animal shelter."
"That's nice," I say. "Too bad for this universe's Ryan that he's not in that universe. This is pretty weird so far, yes?" She agrees. "Okay," I say, "It's about to get a little weirder. Here's the thing I've discovered. I can send my consciousness out from the universe in the timeline I'm on, and into the universe that's on the timeline I want to be on. And I can take you with me. All we need is a Constant, and that's the number 26 on the back of that card. You told me that's the only number that would have come to mind if I asked you to think of the most important number to you. So that's also the same number that would have come to your mind after the split in the good universe. And because there's that overlap, I can send us into that reality. It's really easy. It's just done with visualization. Give me your hands. Close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you."
After a few moments I tell her to open her eyes. I look around a bit and say, "It didn't work. Let's try again. Close your eyes. This time I'll talk you through what I'm doing."
"I start by visualizing the number 26 in your pocket. Then I scan forward along this timeline to see myself killing Ryan. Now I zoom out from that image. Way, way out until it's just a speck, and my consciousness is just floating in the void. Now I zoom in on the image of myself doing something good this weekend instead. And I shift my thoughts back along that timeline to the number 26 in your pocket again. Now open your eyes."
I look around and think a little to myself.
"Yup. It worked. We're in the good timeline."
"How do you know?" she asks.
"Well, I know because when I think about what I'm going to do tomorrow, it's not killing Ryan. So clearly we're no longer on the dark timeline."
"So you just changed your mind," she says.
"Hmmm... no. It's not that. How can I explain this... Remember when you snapped your fingers earlier and we started out along the evil timeline? Well, we did a bunch of stuff after that. You wrote your constant on the back of a card to represent the timeline we were on. We went outside, sent a letter, and so on. Well that all happened in a different universe. I'll show you. I forget, what card is in your pocket?"
"The ace of spades."
"No. I mean, yes, that's true, in the other universe. But we're in the good one now. And in this one you would have chosen a card to represent the good timeline. In the other universe, you chose the ace of spades to represent the bad timeline, so in this one probably the ace of...?"
"Hearts?"
"Yeah, probably. Take a look."
She reaches into her pocket, removes and unfolds her signed card. It's now the ace of hearts.
"No way. No way! How did you do that?"
"Well, you see, there's a multiverse..."
"No, really, how?"
"I'm serious! We're in a different universe now. There hasn't been time for much to change since the moment you snapped your fingers, but you'll definitely spot a few differences in what has transpired since that time."
As I'm talking I unroll the plastic bag that held the boxcutter I bought. And in it's place I remove a Snickers bar, tossing the obviously empty bag on the table. I unwrap it and take a bite.
"You're looking at me funny," I say. "Do you want a bite?" I offer her the candy bar. She scratches her head.
"The best part is, now that you know how to do this, you can use it. In every possible version of your life that you can imagine going forward you will have had this experience. So in each of those universes you will have that playing card. It's your Constant going forward. Whenever you have a choice between two things, and there's a choice you know is right but you're tempted to take the other path, just shift yourself into the timeline where you make the right choice. It's very easy. You just visualize the card, then visualize the action you don't want to take and zoom out from that action into the void. Then you zoom into the action on the timeline you do want to take. Then scan from that mental picture to this card on that timeline. And you'll find yourself there. I promise it works. And if it doesn't just try it until it does."
She looks at the card. "My head is spinning," she says.
A few days later she gets home from work and is sorting through her mail. She finds the envelope she mailed that night with the 26 on the back and the tear she made in it. She opens it and inside the letter says:
Dear Suzanne,
I am going to volunteer at the animal shelter this weekend.
This was all your idea. I give you full credit for my actions.
Andy
She texts me a picture of the letter and writes, "I have no words for this..."
I text back. "Oh yeah, I forgot to thank you for the idea, it was a blast." And I attach a picture of me and Maggie the dog from the Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition that I volunteered to walk and spend time with that weekend. We're in front of my apartment and Ryan is holding the leash, both have big smiles on their faces.
