How To Make A Relationship Last Forever

This idea is not original to me, but I'm not quite sure where I first read it. It's very powerful. Be careful if you plan to use it. Do you really want that cruddy relationship you're currently in to go on forever? There's nothing wrong with letting it just play its course. Not everything is meant to be eternal.

This idea is mainly for people who live together, but you can use a variant on it if you're still in the dating stage as well. Here's how it works: You make an agreement with your partner that whenever one of you is out of the house, the other person has to throw a little celebration when you return home. So instead of what you do now -- no acknowledgment, or a mumbled "hey"-- you have to pause your show, or set aside your laptop and make a fuss over your partner's return. Even if he/she just left 20 minutes ago.

For example:

She returns from the work, I jump off the couch. "Oh my god! YES!!! You're here!" I do a lap around the living room, hi-fiving the dog and the floor lamp. I do the Icky Shuffle. I pick her up and twirl her around and dip her back for a deep kiss. "Look how beautiful you look," I say. Then I start chanting her initials, "S.L.M! S.L.M!" like I'm chanting "USA! USA!" I plop myself back on the couch. "This is the best day ever," I say.

Or I return from the store, she takes off her headphones and turns from the computer. "WHAT??!!!! It's you? It's really you?!" She jumps into my arms and covers my face in little kisses. "Andy's here! Everyone, Andy's here!" she yells to the ficus plants. She walks over to the window, opens it, and calls out to no one in particular, "He's home! He's finally home!"

Does that seem like hard work? No. How many times are you separated and reunited throughout the day? 4 or 5 at most? So you're looking at maybe 3 whole minutes at most of celebrating each other each day. You might think it's not very meaningful if done in jest, but I disagree. The celebration itself may be a bit of a goof, but the reason for doing it isn't. You are making an effort. And not only does a playful, loving interaction set the tone for the rest of your time together that day, you're also saying that you're willing to put energy in to an undertaking whose only stated purpose is to make your partner feel better and to keep your relationship strong. 

Yes, you're acting like a dog would act when its owner comes home (if a dog could verbalize and do the Icky Shuffle). There's a reason for that. You know what you never hear? "I don't know. I've just kind of fallen out of love with my dog."

This isn't something you do for a week to revitalize your feelings for each other or something. It has to be the new ritual for as long as you're together. 

You might say, "My boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife would never go for that." Okay, well dump them then. You think it's noble to continue a relationship with someone who won't even feign joy at seeing you for a couple minutes a day? This is the only life you've got and that's who you're choosing to spend it with?

In fact, your willingness to indulge in and continue this exercise can serve as a bellwether of your feelings. If you're not willing to take 2 minutes out of your day for the sake of your relationship, that should tell you something about your investment in that relationship.

But if you are, then you have this thing that you're doing just for each other. And it's these types of shared private things that strengthen a relationship. You might say that you don't want to be in a relationship that needs these kinds of rituals. But they all do. Relationships are like air-mattresses that have been manufactured with a slow-leak in them. I think by definition they all have the leak in them. But if you are continually pumping more air in, you'll never notice it. And when relationships first start, everyone is always pumping in air: 

I bring you flowers for no reason
<whoosh>

You surprise me with tickets to see a band I like
<whoosh>

I leave a secret love note in your purse.
<whoosh>

You surprise me with my favorite meal
<whoosh>

But then time passes and we stop doing these things. But we don't notice an issue immediately because that air mattress is still pretty full. Then, without warning, one day I wake up and find all that separates me from the hard-wood floor is a thin piece of vinyl. 

Can I pump it back up? Yeah, I guess, but that's a lot of effort for this old air mattress. Maybe I'll just get a new one. Or, more likely, I'll continue to miserably sleep on the floor for the next 40 years.

Relationships are hard work, people will say. But really it's just a matter of a little bit of effort done consistently. A couple of puffs of air a day and you never notice the mattress deflate. We all know that one old couple who seems to have this tremendous relationship. "They're 85 and he still makes her breakfast everyday. And she still rubs his feet every night before bed." Yes. Ok. But they don't do these things because they have a great relationship; they have a great relationship because they do these things.

The mandatory welcome-home celebration is just an easy and fun way to pump in a little air on a regular basis.

Some Jerx in Your Splooge

Just curious if there was anyone behind the HR642 thing who thought there was a chance this wasn't going to be the public's reaction to it. 

You're straight up tone-deaf to the world if you thought, "If congress passes a resolution that says magic is art, then people will respect and honor magic with the gravitas it deserves." All it has done is had people talking about how useless congress is for devoting any time to magic. The narrative -- as any mammal with at least a kiwi-sized brain knew it would be -- is not about how magic should be recognized as an art. It's about how inconsequential and insignificant magic is. All you have to do is take a step back and imagine a group pushing a similar resolution through congress about something you're not into: clowning, hip-hop, scrapbooking, genital-origami. Substituting in something you're not interested in allows you to immediately see how sad it seems to the "art" and what a waste of time it seems for congress.

I'm convinced Copperfield is behind this because he thought magic was becoming too mainstream. The guy is pushing 60. He doesn't want magic to be cool. He wants to be the cool guy in an uncool field, like he was 25 years ago. So he gets behind this bill that makes it seem desperate and dorky again. It's genius really. It's the only explanation that makes sense. I refuse to believe he has his head that far up his ass, even if he is the one person who could do such a thing with relative ease.

A Successful, Unintentional Pick-Up Line

I was at a bar after a comedy show in NYC. I was in a circle of 6 or 7 people, a few of which I knew well and a few that I had just met that night. I turned to the girl next to me, an auburn-haired girl in a striped t-shirt dress who I didn't know.

"You look so familiar to me. Is there a famous person people say you look like?"

"I get Karen Gillan, a lot. Do you know her? I think it's just because of the hair though."

To which I somewhat absentmindedly replied, "Hmmm... yeah... I can sort of see that. You're like a prettier Karen Gillan." And thus commenced a relationship that would last almost a year. 

Later that night a friend said to me that that was a great pick-up line.

But it wasn't a pick-up line. It was a genuine question followed by a genuine off-handed statement. She did remind me of someone. And I did think she looked like a prettier version of the person she suggested. 

I don't use pick-up lines. I'd be more uncomfortable having something scripted to say to someone than I would be just speaking off the cuff. But you can certainly use this structure as a pick-up line. I think it would work pretty well too. In a non-creepy manner you are able to suggest you're noticing her appearance in a positive way. And you get to favorably compare her to someone who is probably known to be attractive (as most female celebrities are). 

So, to reiterate, here's what it would look like:

You: You look very familiar to me. Is there a celebrity people say you resemble?

Her: Some people say I look like _____________.

You: Hmmm. Yeah, maybe. I can see that. Like a prettier version of ___________.

An alternative to this, if you're a likable person who can pull it off without coming off as a prick or a douchebag who is "negging" the woman, is to interrupt whoever she says with a less-than-attractive celebrity.

You: You look very familiar to me. Is there a celebrity people say you resemble?

Her: Some people say I look like Jennifer Lawr-

You: Anne Ramsey! Yup, Anne Ramsey... that's it. It just came to me.

What To Fill Your Earholes With When You Write

A lot of my life is spent behind a keyboard.

Because I'm in The Pet Shop Boys.

No, I mean behind a computer keyboard, writing this site or working on freelance work or things like that. I'm a pretty slow, distracted writer and I can't have too much other sensory input or I just start to concentrate on that. I like to write out in the real world, in libraries and coffee shops, I feel this keeps me on track more than when I'm writing from home. But I need to listen to something to block out the sounds from the rest of the world. If I try listening to music, I'll spend too much time concentrating on the songs, and white noise isn't a pleasant sound for me. 

This is a tip I picked up from Matt Mullenweg, the developer behind WordPress, and the idea is to just listen to one song on repeat. That way you're blocking out the outside world, and doing so with something pleasant (unlike white noise) but it's not something that's changing all the time in a way that might hold your attention. And even more than that, it becomes a form of meditation with the song serving as a mantra of concentration. This has been very helpful to me and it has worked the best out of everything I've tried including: listening to nothing, listening to white noise apps, listening to classical music, listening to 3 or 4 different things at once (the idea being that they'll all blend together and you won't be able to identify any one input, but after a while your brain can block out all but the one you want to concentrate on). So give it a shot if you write or do other concentration-heavy work.

I listen to mostly instrumentals. I would say 80% of this site was written while listening to Ratatat. 

A Song to Own Karaoke With Even If You Can't Sing

I'm a decent singer, but I think the idea of making people listen to a decent singer is a strange waste of people's time. So when I do karaoke I always choose a song that gives me an opportunity to do a lot of crowd work, because I'm much better at bullshitting behind a mic than singing. For that reason I always pick a song with a somewhat talk-y verse and a simple chorus. Something like Undone (The Sweater Song) by Weezer or Popular by Nada Surf. These songs have such a natural build to them that the audience is always on board and will take over the chorus. So you can just stick to the talky verse part if you want, and you don't even really need to say whatever the actual lyrics are. Just talk.

My go-to song is, "Mama Told Me Not To Come" by Three Dog Night. But instead of singing the actual verse, which describes a crazy party, I sing about the room we were in and the crowd that is there while I'm singing. As if this present moment was what Mama had warned me against. When the chorus comes around, the audience is turnt up and ready to sing along. 

But that song require a bit of musicianship to sing along to and come up with a rhyming verse on the spot. If musical improv isn't your forte, and you can't sing very well, there is still a song you can get away with just prattling on during the verse and the audience is always hyped for the chorus.

Spill the Wine by Eric Burdon and the Animals.

This song hardly requires any real singing at all. Just riff on some trippy bullshit. Say whatever you see around you:

There's Teddy in accounting
You know that guy's trouble
How them nachos, Teddy?
I hear that. You can't deny that melted cheese.
I eat me some cheese
Yeah that long string cheese
And then I say
I say

Spill the wine! Take that pearl!

The only lyric I actually stick to is in the verse where he's talking about the girls and he's like:

There was long ones, tall ones, short ones, brown ones
Black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones

And I point to different women in the audience as examples of each "type." I just do it randomly but it never fails to piss people off. Especially the round ones and the crazy ones. 

It's always a big hit. Give it a shot.

By the way, the absolute 100% best talky-verse/rockin'-chorus song is Moulty by The Barbarians. I wish it was more famous because it would be my karaoke jam. You see, Victor "Moulty" Molton was the drummer for the Barbarians. And he only had one hand because he blew the other one off as a kid making homemade explosives. And so the first few verses are him telling you not to give up because he only has one hand and he's a drummer in a rock band. And this alternates with a killer chorus where the rest of the band sings:

Moulty!
Don't turn away

With the lead singer screaming words of encouragement in a response to the "Don't turn away" chant.

And then Moulty comes back for the final verse where he tells us, that yeah, everything is great, but what he wants now is a girl -- a real girl -- so he can feel complete. The whole song is this crazy mix of earnestness and 60s rock and it's super great. They say not many people bought the first Velvet Underground record, but everyone who did started a band. Well, not many people under the age of 60 are familiar with the song Moulty, but everyone who is will want to blow off their hand in a homemade explosive accident.

Remora Driving

When I was young and poor I used the following driving rules to maximize the speed I could travel on American highways while at the same time pretty much eliminating the possibility of getting a speeding ticket and saving me money on gas.

1. First I asked a lot of friends and friends of friends in law enforcement how fast over the speed limit a driver had to go before cops would bother to stop them for speeding. The average was about 10 miles over the speed limit with the lowest answer being 5 miles over.

2. So when I'd drive on the highway I would start out going 5-10 miles over the speed limit.

3. If a semi-truck passed me I would immediately jump behind the truck and start going whatever speed he was doing. So, maybe he's 15 miles over the speed limit. I just follow him at that speed.

4. If another semi-truck passes the both of us, I fall in line behind that one. And I just continue on doing this every time a semi-truck passes me and the truck I'm with, until eventually I'm attached to the fastest truck on the highway. Late at night that would often mean going 30 or 40 miles above the speed limit. 

I named this style of driving after the remora fish and it's relationship with sharks.

The benefits to driving like this are these:

--  You are essentially taking advantage of the trucker's radar detector/CB-based trucker knowledge of knowing where the cops are. 

-- Even if the truck you're attached to is just a mad-man who isn't paying attention to where the police are and you drive 100 mph past a cop, it doesn't matter for you. A moving violation for a commercial vehicle is a much bigger fish for the cop than a remora like you. Let the trucker get busted and you just slow down and restart the process as described above.

-- You get much better gas mileage by when you're drafting behind a truck. Anywhere from 20% to 45% better gas mileage depending on how willing you are to smash into the back of an 18-wheeler.

I have no idea if truck drivers mind you doing this at all. I've never had an issue with it. I suppose if a bunch of trucks boxed me in then slowed down to a stop and dragged me out of my car I'd just go hyper-queer on them, C.B. Savage-style, and gargle their nuts. (Remora fish are also known as suckerfish.)

If you don't know C.B. Savage, you have to listen to this 1970s work of art.

How to Hear More Farts

When I had an office job I would do this all the time. I'd be in the bathroom doing my business, which for me usually meant screwing around with that floating dice illusion or something equally stupid. (Yes, this is really me doing it in my company bathroom.)

And I'd hear someone come in and sit in the stall next to me but then I would hear no noise from the stall. That was a big clue that this dude had a real doozy brewing in his gut and wanted some privacy before unleashing it. So what I would do is leave my stall, wash my hands, then open and shut the door. But I wouldn't leave. 

Thinking he was alone, the guy would unload a devastating volley of shit and flatulence and when the dust settled and all was quiet I would let out a little "heh-heh-heh" laugh to let him know there was an audience for that symphony. Then the guy, not knowing who the other person in the bathroom was, would spend the rest of the day not being able to look any other guy in the eye.