MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Nine - The Brooksies

What follows is the complete story of the first (and, as of now, only) Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards aka The Brooksies. I had planned on doing these again sometime but reading back on it and remembering all the work that went into it over many weeks, it's probably not that likely. Plus the Cafe is filled with a different type of idiot these days. Not like the lovable knuckleheads who populated the nominations back in 2004. Most of the idiots there these days are cynical and negative and have some issue with every product that comes out. I prefer the idiots of old.  The positive idiots. Enthusiastic young men with a 4th grade education getting pumped for the newest magic releases or preparing to release their first DVD.

Here is the story of the Brooksies from the initial idea through the award ceremony...

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Help an Idiot Win a Prize 

I've been very forward-thinking recently on this site, talking about this or that plan or project. And while I know some people would prefer I write about, oh...say, magic things I've bought then got my dick stuck in (that last one was asking for it; you don't dress like that and expect not to get bent over my close-up case), here's another idea I had for something that won't come to fruition for a few weeks. In accordance with my goal to be the most beloved figure in magicdom I have created the first annual Magic Cafe Golden Idiot award. 

Here's the idea: I'm going to open my e-mail box to suggestions as to who is the dumbest member of The Magic Cafe forums. What I'd like you to do is nominate a person and give two or three examples of why you believe this person to be the supreme idiot. I'll gather these suggestions and narrow the field down to five and have a big nominee announcing post. Then people will be able to vote for those nominees for a certain period of time, and eventually we'll have a winner. The winner will receive $100 cash, and maybe some kind of trophy or plaque. They will also be given the opportunity to write an acceptance speech that I will post here for all to read.

Damn, this is going to be good.

---

[2015: I won't re-post everything that happened over the two months the Brooksies lasted, but a couple things to note are that before the nominations happened, Penguin magic stepped in and offered an additional $100 for the winner. So the winner was now getting $200. And I instituted a change to the procedure where if the person who won didn't accept the award (and write an acceptance speech), I would give the $200 to the person who nominated them instead. Essentially forcing the person to participate or have them still get made fun of and watch the person who originally called them out end up with the prize. I'm a prick.]

---

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Brooksy Nominations 

The big day is finally here! It's so exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees are (in alphabetical order)...

Nominee #1 -- Daffydoug

Daffydoug is one of the most prolific members of The Magic Cafe. Since December 23, 2003 he has, at the time of this writing, made 1636 posts on the Cafe. "Great," you're thinking, "he must be a really knowledgeable fellow." Not quite. Doucheydoug is one of those people who feel that they have to post every piece-of-shit random thought that passes through their head. In other words, he's one of the people who has turned the Cafe from a potentially helpful resource to an idiot warehouse.

Here's an example of one of Doug's genius posts:

Any cartoon fans out there? Specifically talking about Coyote and Road Runner, what was your favorite Coyote experiment/failure? 

I loved the Acme Earthquake Pills, where he shook and rumbled so violently that he finally ends up destroying just about everything!

Yeah, Doug, that was fucking hilarious. Anyway, here's another bit of brilliance.

Any Stoogeaholics on the forum? Have a favorite Stooge line? 

Oh yeah, I got one. Let me see if I can remember it. I think it was something like, "Only the retarded think we're funny. Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

Here's a great post that is not only completely paranoid, but also shows a total lack of understanding for how inflation works. He thinks that the fact that the cost of gas and postage stamps tends to gradually increase over time is a sign of some devious plot by...well, I'm not quite sure who he thinks. Just read it, the post is idiotic. By that same logic, the fact that that minimum wage goes up gradually over time is proof that the government wants us all to be millionaires.

In that post he write:

Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play. 

I hate being used. And I CERTAINLY hate having my intelligence underestimated.

Don't worry "daffydoug," I think it will be really hard for anyone to under estimate your intelligence.

Nominee #2 -- djvirtualreality

There are lots of different types of idiots on the Cafe, djvirtualreality is an example of the teenager-self-producing-a-DVD-of-his-shitty-magic idiot. And I'm not talking about some precocious teenager who happens to have hit on some intriguing new magic. I'm just talking about your standard teenage-dope. I look forward to his ad in Genii magazine soon.

Okay everybody...you asked for it, now here it is.

Do you want to learn magic from someone who...

-- has no idea where a classic effect originated, but wants to teach it to you anyway?

-- isn't technically proficient enough to perform a false count, so he has an unnatural disdain for them? 

-- has a Ramen noodle stuck in his head?

Then you want Magic My Way by djvirtualreality. Look for the box with the guy on the cover pulling down his sunglasses in an effort to look cool, but he looks like an idiot whose notions of "looking cool" come from music videos from 1983.

Nominee #3 -- kihei kid

Why the Kihei Kid?

Is it because he doesn't know the difference between effect and affect? 

Is it because he believes "Don't bore your audience" to be a new rule in magic?

Is it because he told this completely bullshit story, that even if it was true would mean that he got some corporation to spend, maybe three dollars mailing a brick? Ooohhhh he's really fighting the power.

No, as far as I'm concerned, the kihei kid's dumbest post is this one in regards to evolution. It's fine if you don't believe in evolution. It's idiotic, but it's fine. But here KK, not only shows his lack of knowledge about evolution, but science in general as he has somehow confused a principle of biology (evolution) as a principle of cosmology. The reason he has done this is because he gets all his scientific knowledge from religious authors which is a bad place to get your scientific information. If you don't believe me read the entire topic and watch the Kihei Kid mangle science throughout the whole thread.

Nominee #4 -- MagicChris

I have to tell you, I love MagicChris and his sweetly-retarded brand of idiocy. Unfortunately, his crowning glory is currently in the Cafe's "Cooler" section where only the staff of the Cafe can read it and make fun of him. However, I was wise enough to copy his thoughts from that now unavailable thread so that we can all enjoy them. 

[2015: Here is the thread, it's no longer in the "Cooler." And MagicChris became Review King.]

The topic of the thread was Ammar's new set of Easy To Master Card Miracles. MagicChris first weighed in to say:

I died and went to heaven-this is the gretaest event of the year!!!!!!!!! 

and later he adds:

Learning from DVD's is far better than books. Hooray for Amamr sharing these great secrets with us!!! 

Roll Over Aces from a book? Forget it!!! 

Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!1

These posts may make you think that he is either seven years old or suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome. Surprisingly though, at times he does have a coherent post. But more often than not it is just imbecilic raving.

Hooray for MagicChris!!!!!1

Nominee #5 -- Turnerhooch

Our final nominee is Turnerhooch, who, with one post, made himself a beacon of Cafe stupidity. And here it is.

In this thread he makes the point that the pass is a shitty sleight and then clarifies this position by saying that the Beatles weren't a very good band. Good argument there. Actually, he seems to hedge at one point and say that both the pass and the Beatles are "decent." Yes, I suppose both the pass and the Beatles are decent, but they're certainly no glide and Matchbox 20. That's for damn sure.

This thread alone would have got him nominated, but he also comes up with what is possibly the lamest magic trick ever.

Astounding

---

Monday, June 14, 2004

The 2004 Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards! 

Announcer: Goooooooooood evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the first annual Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards! And now, here's your host, Mr. MCJ himself...Andy!

[Applause]

Me: Thank you, thank you. 

[Applause]

Me: Oh thank you, that's really too kind. Thank you.

[Applause] 

Me: Thank you. I love you all.

[Audience is forcibly stopped from applauding]

Me: Okay. First, I'd like to thank you all for your support in making this first annual Brooksy award season something very special. 

Say, have any of you been to The Magic Cafe? You know, they have a really nice group that runs that place over there. They must be nice because they apparently hired blind, mentally-retarded children to design their web site.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site is really classy. Oh sure, they'll delete any dissenting opinions and they don't encourage thoughtful debate. But who among us isn't intrigued and stimulated by their huge collection of wacky emoticons.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site really helps people. In fact I hear they just opened a new section on that site called "The Last Supper." It's for their members to get together and talk about how much time they spend at the Cafe and their inevitable suicidal depression.

[Laughter]

But seriously... Did you hear Steve Brooks was at a magic lecture the other day? It's true. And the magician was explaining some tricks during intermission. But each time he would explain the trick and say,"First you do a slop shuffle," the person he was talking to would walk away and hand their deck to Steve Brooks. Now this happened three or four time, until finally the magician got infuriated and said, "Don't you guys want to learn this trick?" To which the attendees replied, "Yes, of course." And the magician said, "Then why do you keep giving your deck to Steve Brooks when I tell you to do a slop-shuffle." To which the attendees respond, "Slop-shuffle? We thought you said 'Slob shuffle.'"

[Laughter]

But seriously...Let's get on with the show. Here are our first (and only) award presenters tonight. One of them is an Angel and the other one once slept on and then ate a mattress made out of angel food cake. Here are Mya Angel and Steve Brooks.

[Silence]

Mya Angel: Hello, we are here to present the award for biggest idiot at The Magic Cafe. Say, Steve, I was just wondering something.

Steve Brooks: What's that Mya?

Mya Angel: Do you have a sponge ding-dong?

Steve Brooks: Of course not, Mya. How could you ever think that?

Mya Angel: Well, I had no way of knowing because I haven't seen your dick in ages. Plus it seemed logical because you have a sponge gut, spongy thighs, and a big spongy fat ass.

[Laughter]

Mya Angel: And the nominees for the Golden Idiot are:

Daffydoug-- "Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play."

Djvirtualreality-- "I've snorted a ramen noodle up my nose, but wasn't able to get it all the way back."

kihei kid-- "The point I was trying to make is ask anyone who agrees with the theory of evolution about the solar system and they will tell you (they have to) that it "just was" and "it has always been in existence"."

MagicChris-- "Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!!!"

Turnerhooch-- "Have someone set off a firecracker in the back and when everyone turns around to look, that's your misdirection to run out onstage. When everyone turns back around, there you are, standing triumphantly with your arms spread, waiting to start your act."

Mya Angel: And the winner is.

Steve Brooks: Djvirtualreality!

Djvirtualreality: [This is his actual, unedited, acceptance e-mail that was sent to me.]

 
I heard about this from a staff member at the cafe. I honestly thought that it was an award from Steve Brooks. The staff member said that you were a rude and vicious person trying to destroy the cafe and it's members. He sent me the site and checked it out. I thought it's a pretty cool site and I read through the comments. Though I don't really like the fact that people are getting picked on, but everyone has their opinion. It's a right for free speech right? I told a few friends about this and I told them the prize. I honestly don't think it's true, but if it is, I'm all for it. I do have a sense of humor and didn't take much offence to it. If you truly have a prize and your recycled trophy, I'd be happy to be on your nominee list. About my DVD, yes I am going to produce it. It will have all my creations as well as friends handlings. I read that I don't know who to credit, and I don't on some, but that's what asking is for right? Well thanks I guess for you to have me as your winner. I hope your site keeps going well and hopefully I'm another nominee. Thanks...... The Golden Idiot, Josh Golas
 

Andy: [Singing]

There he is...Golden Idiot

Master of stupidity
Intent on making a DVD
Still hasn't lost his virginity

There he is...Golden Idiot

Sunglasses on, he thinks he's cool
I think that he looks like a fool
But perhaps it works in middle school

There he is...Golden Idiot

Probably not the next David Blaine
Doesn't know about Peter Kane
But he does have a Ramen noodle in his brain

There he is...Golden Idiot

Goodnight, everybody! I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to all those of you who voted and thanks to the Cafe and all the idiots who spend so much time there. We couldn't have done it without you.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Eight - Final Load

This is one of the dumber things I ever wrote. But I was happy to see that the site I linked to was still there all these years later, completely unchanged. Make sure to have your volume up.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I'm Furious 

I don't talk too much about my personal repertoire on this site, because I don't like to give away too much of my rich thinking to the vultures who would just start performing my material without giving it near as much thought as it requires.

But now something has happened that requires me to talk about some of my personal performance material. As some people know my medium, so to speak, has changed a number of times over the past few years. I used to do only cards, then I specialized in a billiard ball manipulation act, then I worked with doves, and now I work solely with cum.

Yes, it's an untapped genre in close-up magic but I'm a bit of a trailblazer when it comes to my pet effects.

These effects include, but aren't limited too, my 3 Cum Monte, Cum to Light bulb, Liquid Sands (the liquid being cum), Lota Cock, a no-bullet version of the bullet catch, and my escape from a milk can (filled with cum).

And, of course, there are a number of slush powder based cum effects.

While not strictly semen related, I also perform a version of "Any Drink Called For" with my cock (a Thurston idea).

Now, I don't want to detail any of the exact workings of these effects because they are precious to me. But here's a cum based gag that you can throw into your existing repertoire. It's based on the old "52 pickup" joke. You approach someone and say, "Would you like to play 1 mop-up?" When they agree to the game you shoot your load on the floor and say, "Bitch, mop that up."

Anyway, the reason I bring this all up is because this branch of magic whose secrets I have so closely guarded, the branch of magic I originated, is being stolen out from under me and I'm not even getting any credit. This asshole even stole my jazzy theme music!

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Seven - The Time Steve Brooks Tried to Co-Opt 9/11 to Make His Site Seem Relevant

Here are two posts from the past that I'm putting up because they represent an anomaly in the history of Magic Circle Jerk posts. This is one of the few times I was genuinely bothered by Steve Brooks. I'm pretty sure there were only two things that actually raised my pulse in regards to Brooks and the Cafe during the time I wrote the site. The first -- as I've mentioned before -- was when the Cafe staff were brainstorming ways to shut down my site and one of the options was to try and report me for child pornography. The monumental cocksucker who suggested this was Cafe staff member, Jon Gallagher. He admitted it was a "long shot," but hey, why not try and get someone arrested on child porn charges because they make fun of your magic message board? Oh, I know, BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING SOCIOPATHIC. But not a single person on the Cafe staff had any issue with that suggestion. 

Anyway, for the most part Steve was just a representation of a lot of what I thought was shitty about magic and especially magic on the internet, but I was rarely ever actually bothered by him. One of the few other times his shit actually offended me was when he made a Cafe announcement about the anniversary of his site and tried to make some connection to 9/11 in order to imply his site was something more substantial than a trash magic message board. As someone who lived in NYC at the time (although I wasn't in the city itself the day it happened) it was particularly foul. So this was one of the few times I was legit grossed out by the guy, and when I called him a "lame, pieceashit, fucking dumpy little bag of cunts," I actually meant it.

Background: In the first paragraph of the following post, I mention a Cafe member named "Harry." Harry is one of Steve Brooks' alter-egos on the Cafe. Feel free to check out this thread to see how blatantly manipulative Steve was with this alternate account. It's a great thread where Steve has a conversation mostly with himself. Here's a tip: when setting up your sock-puppet account, don't respond to it with a fully-formed post at 4 in the morning a scant 3 minutes after you made your initial bogus post. And try to avoid the obvious pattern that Steve employs here. Whenever the thread dies down for a couple of days, well, here's Harry chiming in with some more bullshit to bring the thread back to the top. And I love that he calls himself "Mr. Brooks." That's exactly the type of formality and respect he thinks he deserves, but can only command from himself. I want to remake Fight Club with Steve Brooks and Harry.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I'm Back 

The Magic Cafe celebrated it's 3 year anniversary last week. Steve Brooks sent out a private message to all the members to notify them of this very special day. Then people could add their best wishes to Steve at the end of this PM and there was a whole string of people telling Steve how great the Cafe is and how great he is. It was impressive. But you know, when you think about it, if the Cafe really has 14,565 members it's kind of sad that only a little over 2% of them could manage to write Steve a few lines to tell him how grateful they were for all the hard work he and his staff do. In fact, it's almost like the Cafe has nowhere near that number of actual members. Oh, who am I kidding, Brooks would never attempt to dupe the Cafe members or potential advertisers. (Well, except the time he created his completely fake Cafe member "Harry" to try and sell his products.)

The anniversary message was Steve's typical idiocy. He's such a poor communicator that he should just keep his fucking mouth shut and just sit there and be fat and consider himself The Magic Cafe's mascot. Like the Michelin man or something.

Here's a bit of his trite bullshit, delivered with a mix of detached elitism and faux-folksy good cheer.

"The Café is not for everyone and was never intended to be. That is what makes the internet such a wonderful place, we have the freedom to choose. Some folks cannot function in an atmosphere of civility, while others are ever so grateful for it." 

Oh yes, ever so grateful, I'm sure they are. Listen, Steve, for the last fucking time, I know you want to set yourself up as a martyr to decency and good taste, but here's the truth: The people who dislike your rules don't dislike that you have rules, they dislike the fact that they are applied arbitrarily. Got it? Some people also dislike that you try to set the Cafe up as some philanthropic enterprise -- Magicians Helping Magicians -- but then push Silver Shifter and other shit on the people there. Trying to make money isn't bad, but doing it under the guise of altruism is kind of shitty.

Here's more from Brooks:
 

"Four days after the Café appeared the twin towers were attacked in New York City. I can still recall one of our first members giving our members blow by blow reports as he was watching from his living room window."

First off, is this true? Can someone find me this thread? I'm awed that someone --someone in New York City-- during one of the most somber, frightening, and sad moments of their life (presumably), would be inclined to write about what is going on at Ground Zero on The Magic Cafe. A "blow by blow" account, no less. Not only am I amazed that someone would write that, but who would read it? Are there people whose primary news source is the fucking Magic Cafe?

"PEOPLE OF THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE, AS YOU PREPARE TO DEAL WITH HURRICANE IVAN, BE SURE TO CHECK BACK REGULARLY FOR NEWS AND COMMENTARY FROM DAFFYDOUG."

"For news you can trust, stay with the name you can trust...knockknocktheclown."

And look, I realize it's human nature to try and personalize tragedies, and I also understand that Steve Brooks was looking for any way to make the Cafe seem relevant, but is it really necessary to bring up our greatest national tragedy, whose repercussions we're still dealing with, in a gay magic message board anniversary announcement? Seriously, what a fucking asshole. What a lame, pieceashit, fucking dumpy little bag of cunts this Steve Brooks is.

How much nicer would it have been if he had sent out a message that said simply: "Hey, we're happy to celebrate three years of the Magic Cafe today. I'd like to thank all the people who help me out behind the scenes and all the people who post and make this message board great."

Hmmm, well, that says what it needs to say and it doesn't sound completely disingenuous, self-important, and full of false-modesty like his actual message.

It's not my desire to come here and reprimand Brooks and somehow henryhiggins him into being a decent human being. I'm sure he gets enough of that from his wife every time he rips a fart in front of his in-laws or when she finds him eating margarine with a spoon. But the fact that the guy is so lacking in every significant way does make me wonder how pleasant the Cafe would be if it wasn't run by such an idiot. I'd be ever so grateful for that.

Happy Anniversary Magic Cafe! Love, your friends at The Magic Circle Jerk.

---

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Brooks and 9/11 

(This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.)

Someone (and I don't know if he wants to be named, but we'll call him "my lawyer") has found the thread that Steve Brooks was presumably referring to in his Third Anniversary private message to the Cafe membership when he said...

"A lot has happened since then, the world has changed in oh so many ways and so have we. Four days after the Café appeared the twin towers were attacked in New York City. I can still recall one of our first members giving our members blow by blow reports as he was watching from his living room window."

Now yesterday I implied that I thought Steve might be full of shit and that he was once again lying to the members of his "Cafe" in order to give that site some relevance that it doesn't deserve. Was I right? Well, let's see. Is this the thread that Brooks was mentioning? Read it.

Now, if Steve's emoticons are to be believed, he was very angry and very sad on 9/11. But three years later he was comfortable enough with the whole situation to lie about things that never happened on that day. Or as "My Lawyer" puts it:

Note that nobody is giving a "blow by blow"; Brooks himself says he's watching it on TV, and three days later MagicMan says he can still see the smoke. 

I can see how somebody could confuse "one of our first members" with himself, and "blow by blow account" with "nearly three days later." Sure I can. Can't you?
 

There are those of you who think I'm a bad guy--those of you who think Brooks is a victim. Perhaps you can forgive his shady business practices, self-righteous attitude, and his unending assault on elastic waistbands everywhere. Well just remember how your buddy Brooks tried to capitalize on the death of a few thousand people to make himself and his shitty website seem more important. You may think he's a good guy, you may be happy to take hours out of your week to correct people's grammar for him on the Cafe, but I don't have a whole lot of respect for someone who, for personal gain, tries to draw some correlation between this country's greatest tragedy (9/11) and a tragedy that is clearly a distant second (the establishment of The Magic Cafe).

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Six - Equal and Opposite Reactions

Rick Lax responded to the Four Scoops of Vanilla video on his facebook page. A number of his friends took me to task for being angry and "jealous" of Rick. For those who know me, you can imagine how delighted I was by this. But I was confused too. How anyone could watch that dopey video and think it was anything other than me joking around is beyond me. But whatever.

Hey, everyone, this is why we can't hang out in real life. I can't have you getting all upset at me for calling you a dull whitey or something. I need people who come from more rugged stock. But I told Rick I wouldn't talk about him anymore so I'll drop it. 

I will say that his defense of being "dull" wasn't great. He said in an email to me and on his facebook that he tries to be loud and energetic so how could he be dull?  I hate to break it to you, but being loud and energetic is a dull person's #1 trick. It's much easier than being funny or interesting. Howler monkeys and garbage trucks are also loud and energetic, but I don't want to have a conversation with them.

Let me reiterate: I don't think Rick is particularly dull. Or any of the guys in that video. I was referring to them as bland honkeys because as a group they don't present the most diverse or compelling portrait, and the joke of the bit was that it was an extra drain on my psychic powers to tell them apart. 

Fuck it, I'm not going to footnote this shit for you people. Don't read the site if you don't like it. It's very simple.

Now let's contrast the reaction to that post with the reaction of another magician I wrote about long ago. His name is Zach Waldman and well... I don't want to spoil the post if you don't know where it's going. Enjoy...

[Note: When URLs to pages from 10+ years ago no longer work in these advent calendar posts, I'll do my best to link to a picture of that page as it existed at the time.]

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Share the Magic 

According to The Magic Castle's performance schedule, Zach Waldman will be appearing in the W.C. Fields Bar on May 9th thru the 15th. That's great news! I don't know Zach but he seems like a very giving man.

Why, here's his website. Check out that great picture. Roll up for the mystery tour, right? [Edit 2015: I don't know what picture I was referring to. His site is very different now and the homepage pic isn't on the Internet Archive.]  And check out all the famous people Zach has performed for, like rocker Vince Neil and Howie from the Backstreet Boys. Backstreet's back, ALRIGHT!

Now, it's great to have all those big-time celebrity friends, but I have a feeling Zach is friendly to the regular guy too. Like, say you were at a magic convention and you really wanted to practice a move for your cups and balls routine where you false transfer the ball, pick up your wand, and rattle it around in the cup. If you wanted to practice that move but you didn't have a cup, I bet Zach would let you use his cup. He'd let you rattle around your wand in his cup for as long as you like. And he wouldn't want to get involved or bother you or anything, he'd just be content to watch. That's a cool guy.

What was I going on about?

Oh right. If you're near the Magic Castle make sure you go and watch Zach next week.

Or if you have a corporate event, you might want to consider hiring him so you can watch some great magic. 

Or, barring that, you can just go here and watch him watch some guy fuck his wife.

---

2015

Ahh, I love that post.

And just to be clear, that really is the same dude. Zach Waldman is the "loser husband" sitting in the chair in that cuckold porn. It's not just some guy with similar hair.

The best part to all of this was Zach's reaction. He sent me an email soon after I wrote it to say how much he enjoyed it and how funny he thought the site was. To be fair, he was probably stoned out of his fucking gourd on some fine ass stanky dank cheeba, but he was still coherent enough to realize the post was all in good fun. If you're curious, he was paid $60 to be in that video, and no, that's not really his wife. 

Zach, if you ever read this post, please let me know if I can find a copy of that video anywhere. I promise to jerk off to it. And there's like maybe three readers of this site I'd jerk off to, so you should feel honored. 

[You might wonder how the hell I ever found this. Well, I had written a post that said next week was FMW, but I didn't explain what it meant. It stood for Free Magic Week (because I was giving away a bunch of magic that week). But before I explained it, someone emailed me and said something like, "Does FMW stand for Fuck My Wife? If so you should do a post on this Zach Waldman video."]

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Five - MAO

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

MAO 

I always like to push my creativity to its very limits. It seems to me sometimes that our definition of magic is too limited. We consider magic to be manipulating cards or coins or thoughts or whatever to produce something that replicates the impossible. Recently I have expanded my interests into another area that I consider to be just as magical as anything Copperfield can do. Obviously what I'm talking about here is the magic of photography.

This brings me to my new project. What I do is I bring famous magicians to my apartment. I offer them a few cocktails or some cocaine to loosen them up a bit. Then I bring them into a room in my apartment called The Pornucopia and they are allowed to choose from a wide assortment of magazines, videos, scented oils, and dildos. After that we retire to my studio where they proceed to "have a go" at themselves. While this is going on I may rub their feet or feed them grapes. Or, very occasionally, I will provide some manual or oral stimulation (all for the sake of my art). Then as they are reaching their climax I rush behind my camera to take pictures of these master magicians.

It is my opinion that in these moments of sweet release we are nearest to God and I am determined to have a photographic record of magicians in this state. Some of you, no doubt, will find this a filthy and hedonistic project. Understand something: This is not pornography, I am only taking pictures of these great men's faces, not their gushing genitals. Perhaps you still consider this to be indecent, if so I can only say that I pity you. Two of the most wonderful things in the world are magic and ejaculation; all I've done is combine them. 

I have a large coffee-table book devoted to these images that's being published by Simon and Schuster and should be out in time for Christmas. For now, let me offer you this preview of the book that will be called...

Magicians At Orgasm

Uri Geller

Obie O'Brien

Oz Pearlman

Jay Sankey

David Regal

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Four - The Keith Lack Saga

This is a long one. In fact it's more of an epic poem than a series of blog posts. It's like Beowulf, but good. 

I use to do a lot of commentary on magic advertisements. And one person I inadvertently found myself writing about frequently was a guy named Keith Lack. He first came onto my radar because he had produced the Silver Shifter coin with Steve Brooks. The first post here is me talking about the Silver Shifter advertisement. There are four posts altogether. Things may start a little slow, but they get better and better and genuinely bonkers by the end when Keith confronts me via email. After I posted his email I got replies from other people saying his email gave them the "chills." It's certainly a bizarre diatribe. Was he drunk? Just stupid? Did he have a tumor pressing against the part of his brain that controlled spelling and telling the truth? I don't know.

I think Keith got out of the magic making business as I haven't seen anything he's produced in recent years. I hope he's doing well. I have such fondness for all the weirdos who used to threaten me on my old site. 

Friday, January 30, 2004

Truth In Advertising 

There's nothing in the world quite like a magic ad. I remember when I got my first issue of Genii magazine. After the initial shock of it being 1989 and seeing a magazine that looked like it was still punched out on a typewriter, I became enthralled with the ads for the tricks. Every single one sounded impossible. I couldn't believe I could learn to float a dollar bill in a balloon for 13 bucks. 13 bucks! I was naive enough to believe that I would be buying some secret that exploited a little known law of physics. Later I realized that the secrets to the professional magic tricks are just as hokey as the secrets to the tricks in the books at the public library. These days I can appreciate that. I like the fact that the methodology behind these effects isn't usually something diabolical, it's double-sided tape or whatever. 

The longer you're involved in magic the more familiar you become with the way magic ads are written. For instance, if the ad says, "A card is selected." What it means is, "A card is forced." Because if the cards wasn't forced it would say, "A card is freely selected (no force)." If you're buying a coin routine and it says, "No gimmicks used," it will involve difficult sleights. If it says, "No sleight of hand," then it will involve gimmicked coins. Sometimes the advertisers get so enamored with what isn't the method behind their trick that they go on and on about what it obviously couldn't be.

"You hold a blue poker chip in your left hand, in the blink of an eye it changes to red! (No duplicate chips, no sleights, no invisible thread, no rough and smooth, no marked cards, no "Pepper's Ghost" principle.)

I can forgive a lot in a magic ad. I have no problem if you don't detail every last procedural step. I have no problem if you describe the effect as the spectator perceives it as opposed to how it really happens. That's the nature of these ads. You want to give a detailed description which makes the effect sound good, but you don't want to give away the method by listing every step of the effect. Errors of omission I'm okay with, but don't bullshit me. Don't tell me something that is clearly untrue.

For example, in the ad for Steve Brooks and Keith Lack's Silver Shifter, it states:

no funny switches

Obviously they're trying to get you to believe that this effect doesn't involve a switch. But, of course, it does involve a switch. And not only do I find the switch to be "funny," I find it to be "fucking hilarious." Steve and Keith don't want you to look at the effect and think "Oh, a rubber coin that is switched for a bent coin." So they're trying to imply that there is no switch, even if it means their customer is disappointed when he gets the product. They don't care about that, they just want to move the product. You can't say "no funny switches" on a trick that includes a switch. FUNNY IS SUBJECTIVE, YOU ASSHOLES. So if we take the subjective word out of the phrase, we have "no switches," which, as I said, is bullshit. 

If you see no problem with that wording in the Silver Shifter ad, consider this following effect I plan on releasing:

A deck is shown to consist of all different cards. A spectator cuts to any card. When the performer riffles the deck, the spectator sees that all the cards now match her card, then, just as quickly, the deck returns to normal. No "stupid" gimmicked deck. $85

Then you buy it and I send you a Svengali deck. Hey, I said no stupid gimmicked decks. I think the Svengali deck is rather ingenious.

I think that would be analogous to the Silver Shifter ad, which I find to be twice as deceptive as the trick itself. 

---

[A week later I was commenting on the complete inanity of the presentation in the ad copy for his trick "Winter Spirit." It was a presentation that was inherently unworkable and suggested the trick had never actually been performed before being sold (at least not performed as described in the ad copy).]

Friday, February 06, 2004

Winter Spirit 

The other day I said that I would post why the presentation given for this trick, Winter Spirit, is inherently unworkable. Go and read it now, we'll wait. 

Now, you may think that I have some kind of grudge against Keith Lack as I've taken huge steaming dumps on his (and Steve Brooks) Silver Shifter in the past, and now I'm about to go off on Winter Spirit. But I don't at all. I don't care enough about the guy to have a grudge against him. From looking at his website I can see that his products don't appeal to me because he seems to be trying to dress up his effects, and my personal performance philosophy is to make things simpler. But that's just a presentational difference. 

In fact, I think his Creature product looks great. I didn't think so when I read the ad. I recognized it as a variation on something that had been in Gary Ouellet's Fulminations column in Genii and even in Magic for Dummies. But then when I saw the video, knowing the gimmick and knowing how it's done, I still thought it looked great. I can't imagine what a spectator with no idea what was coming would think. I think it would look particularly creepy if you made it come out of your pubic hair. 

Moving on.

Here's why the presentation for Winter Spirit as given in the ad is unworkable. Mind you, I'm saying the presentation he gives is awful, not the trick itself, although that may be as well. You ask for members of the audience to write down the first thing that comes to mind when they think of winter. Then you secretly switch the slips that the audience members just wrote for slips that all say "winter spirit" and have another spectator choose any of those slips. This is a pretty standard technique for forcing a word or whatever. But here's the problem, this actual effect takes place, literally, in your hands as you're cupping ice water. In other words, it's a close-up effect. Does anyone see the problem here?

Well picture it, you have four or five people gathered around to watch your performance, you've just forced the slip and the spectator calls out "Winter Spirit." 

Magician: Ron, please open the slip and tell us what it says.

Ron: Winter spirit.

Magician: Okay, that could mean two different- 

Pat: BULLLLLLLL-SHIT!

Magician: What?

Pat: Bullshit. Nobody here said "winter spirit" was the first thing that came to mind when they thought of winter. What the fuck is the winter spirit? You mean "Christmas spirit"?

Magician: No, somebody wrote it. See, it's right here on the slip.

Pat: Oh, come on. You totally wrote that yourself. Are you kidding me? There's only four of us here, seriously, who said "winter spirit"? It sure as hell wasn't me. I said "mittens." Was it you? You? You? See, it was none of us. So what's the deal?

Magician: Well, I was just-

Pat: Listen, just go on with your trick, but know that we're not a bunch of idiots. Nobody who has been on this planet for any amount of time would ever say "winter spirit" in answer to that question. They probably wouldn't even say that if you asked, "What is the spirit of winter called?"

You see, there are only two situations where you can use the name-things-write-them-down-then-switch-slips bit: 

• One, you're performing for an auditorium full of people who can't discuss what they wrote down with each other or... 
• Two, you're switching slips that say something that you're positive at least one person will really write down. You can tell everyone to write down a vegetable, and then switch those slips for a bunch of slips named carrot and be pretty safe. But in a close-up environment you can't ask people to name the first thing that comes to their mind when they think of winter and then switch the slips for "Winter Spirit" slips because it's such a strange thing to be written down that they're going to wonder who the hell would write it. Maybe...MAYBE, you could get away with it if you were performing for a room full of Wiccans, but even then I doubt it. 

And once you've forced "winter spirit," his presentation has you giving this long dissertation on the winter spirit. Something you were obviously prepared for, hence making the force all that more ridiculous and obvious and condescending. If you want to make the force seem real you should say, "Winter Spirit? What the fuck is that? Who the hell would write that down? That's ridiculous. I was expecting 'hot cocoa' or maybe 'shovel' but not 'Winter Spirit.' Well, I'll see what I can do with that." 

Another problem with his presentation is that he ends it by saying "Ladies and Gentlemen, meet lady winter!" Which is kind of pompous and dopey, but more importantly, most any time Winter is anthropomorphized, it's as an old man. Old Man Winter? You heard of it? So when you say "Lady Winter" you'll have another instance of the audience not knowing what the hell you're talking about.

So, in summary, the presentation he gives for Winter Spirit would never work in a close-up environment, which is the only environment it can be performed in. Keep that in mind before you buy it. The trick may be fine and actually makes a lot more sense, if you don't try and force the choice of "Winter Spirit." Just produce the damn thing. Otherwise people will say to you, "What were you going to do with that ice-water if you had picked a slip that said, 'yule log'"?

---

[A few months down the road and I decided to take a look at his new effect Pop Eye, an effect where you pull your eye out of your head. I was taken with the notion put forth in the ad that there was just an abundance of ways to use such a gimmick.]
 

Monday, June 07, 2004

Utility 

Magicians are a savvy bunch, and as such, they're always on the lookout for the next big utility gimmick. Oh sure, you can stun the pants of the ladies with one-trick-wonders like Color Monte or Milk to Light bulb, but the true bang for your buck comes from the gimmicks you can use for multiple effects like the thumbtip, the Raven, Xpert, and of course, Slush powder. 

Well, get ready, because now you too can harness the awesome power of the most versatile utility gimmick since the thumbtip .

As the ad copy says, "The possibilities are limited only by your strange imagination."

Oh yes, the possibilities. Think of all the wonderful, varied tricks you could accomplish with this gimmick. Here are just a few ideas: 

1. Pull your eyeball away from your head.
2. Pull your head away from your eyeball.
3. Pull both your head and your eyeball equidistant from an imaginary midpoint.

...among other possibilities too numerous to get into and too obvious to warrant mentioning. 

And think of all the patter possibilities! Why, anytime you need to say the word eye, or even the word I, you can unleash a magical moment of astonishment. For example: 

"Keep your finger on that card and don't move it. I have my eye on you." (Yank out your eyeball.)

or

When performing for the elderly. "I don't know about you, Old Man Periwinkle, but I can barely tell these cards apart from this distance. Let's take a closer look." (Yank out your eyeball.)

or

"Boy, I really wish I saved my $59.95." (Yank out your eyeball.)

I prefer to use this in my birthday clown shows as misdirection for the knuckle-busting move in my Forgetful Freddie routine. (By the way, I use my Forgetful Freddie routine to teach kids about the joys of forgetting. In particular, forgetting the way I caressed the birthday-boy's sweet, tender buttocks while his mom was in the other room scooping ice-cream.)

When performing for an adult crowd I like to get into this effect by telling a touching story about the first time I saw snow. You see, when I was growing up, my family would spend the winters with my grandparents in Florida. These were wonderful times but I never got to experience snow because we would always leave New York before the first snowfall and return after it had all melted. But then, when I was seven, my father needed to stay in New York a bit longer than usual on business. And one cold November night as I looked out my window I saw these beautiful white crystals falling from the sky. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw. I ran outside in my bare feet and twirled around in the falling snow. I was so awed by the spectacle of nature's majesty that my eyeball popped out of my fucking skull!

(Now, I realize that by so generously divulging my presentations to you, I could be in danger of someone stealing my routines, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if it gets people's creative juices flowing.)

And for those of you that like to do magic tricks to pick up women, I can't think of anything more romantic than getting two of these things and yanking them out of your head as you stare at some girl's tits. She'll really be flattered.

I applaud Keith Lack for doing something different and putting out some unique products. I'm particularly looking forward to August when he is going to release "Bust A Nut" which is an effect where you pull your nutsack out through your zipper and tug and squeeze it until one of your balls apparently rips through your sack and dangles from the epididymis. It's a worker.

---

[Then, in August of that year, Keith started emailing me. First with the long screed you'll read below, and then a dozen more times to threaten me or to tell me Steve Brooks is the person who fucked up the Silver Shifter (Absolutely true, Steve. He said you screwed up the first 300 and that's why he took over.) His first email came a day or two after I had left a goodbye post saying I was quitting my site because I had found this site and felt there was really no reason for me to continue posting because I could never live up to that example.]

Sunday, August 08, 2004

The Funniest Shit and The Art of Intimidation 

So that was seriously going to be my last post on Wednesday. Well, it wasn't at first, but then I thought, "What the hell, now's as good a time to end as any." And I would have, if I didn't get this totally sweet e-mail from Keith Lack of Arlen Studios. So you can thank him for having me back.

What follows is the e-mail with my annotations, followed by some more comments to him. I've left his e-mail unedited, all the spelling mistakes and poor grammar are his.

What's the matter ASS FUNGUS?, 1

Too many of the "wrong" people starting to get close to knowing who you are. I've got news for you. I've know who you are for the last few months now. Why did I not do anything about it sooner? Well, your not worth a big effort in regards to retaliation and secondly, I am waiting to deal with you face to face (hopefully at a convention some time or if I get board, I may just hop on a plain and pay you an unexpected visit. I travel all over the world on a yearly bases. You would just be a convieniant lay over on my way to somwhere. 2). That is how men do things. See, I am not a cowered hiding behind some BLOG. 3 If I have an opinion, I voice it and want all to know it came from me. That is what individual self _expression is all about. I do not have a problem with you expressing your opinion publicly but why hide? COWARD is all that comes to mind. Actually, PUSSY is the first thing that comes to my mind but I think about that a lot in any case and it just may be a leftover thought so lets stick with COWARD for now. 4 You have hurt allot of people and in this cases, tagged me on your piss-ass little site once to often. Closing it, will not make me forget you or what you have done to so many. I am not going to let you fade off into the darkness of cyber world. 

Currently, I am working on ways to make your life less private. See, I have all your contact info. at present and am going to post it in a number of places very soon letting all who you have slandered know who you are and how to get a hold of you should they decide to sue you. 5 Also, My father (retired now) was one of the best attorneys in the state of California till. He handled (and still can) litigations all over the world from right here in Ca. Currently I have six others whom you have hurt. My father and I are now preparing the documents to proceed in filing a class action law suit against you in their names. Dad is willing to work on contingence in this case (for free unless a judjment is handed down in our favor then 35% off the top for his time and trouble). The only cost will be the filing fees. Hope you have serious cash resources because your life is about to get real unpleasant for awhile. 6

I think you took the freedom of speech precedence set by Larry Flint in the Fallwell vs. Flint case to much to heart . 7 See "Andy", There are reasons there are words and phrases like "Deformation of Character" and "Slander" floating around. 8 These are words that our legal system has given us. And are there for a reason. Keep in mind, Flint had a dozen attorneys going over every Fallwell article before it was printed. He (unlike you) was careful when he went after Fallwell so as to not let his ass be hanging out. Why am I even bothering with you? Well, because you are the worst type of parasite. The human kind. You are no better than one of the terrorists that toppled the trade center in my opinion. 9 Shots from dark holes. Worms live in dark holes. By your writing, you seem like a smart guy so I was surprised to see you goof up so bad and leave your ass so exposed. You and those around you will know what I mean very soon now. All I will say at this point is Yahoo has been very cooperative once dad got involved. I wish I could be there to see the look on your face when you get............ I am letting to much out of the bag now. 10

About now you are saying to yourself, "Hummmmmm, Why does this jerk just tell me who I am now and prove to me he has all this info on me?" 11 Nope, that is not fun enough. I like the idea of you not being quite sure if I really know or not. Is it a bluff? Then POOF, one day out of the blue, you and your life goes on display for all you have hurt to see. What goes around comes around. Who is shooting from dark holes now? I think it is too late for public apologies and all that now and would rather see you exposed. I will admit it was allot of work to find you and cost some $ but once one starts throwing some cash around, it is amazing how tight lips loosen up. 12 I would hate to see it all go to waste by letting you off easy with an apology. I doubt you would do it in any case and expect this may fuel you even further to get your site back up and running again. Please do! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...... I am a patient man and would love to see you dig yourself in deeper. I'll even wait a bit to get more on you. As it is now, I can not be added to the class action as I can not prove damages like the others. But if you get back up and running, no doubt you will goof again and I will be able to prove damages. 13 As it is now, we have excellent proof of damages from the six interested in the class action thing. Dad will take care of the rest. I hope you and those around you have more than the check we did shows. As it is now, the estimated judgment on this will be vast, you will not have enough even if we liquidate all you and yours assets to cover it. But the satisfaction will be so worth it to so many. See and talk to you soon! 14

Most Sincerely,
Keith A. Lack

PS. We have already copied all the text from your site and had it notarized. No changing it now. You my friend are BUSTED!!!!!!!!!! Also, you should be expecting a call from your ISP soon as well. See dad and I will handle the civil thing but the FCC seems to be interested now as well. It seems you may now be under suspicion of having violated FCC regulatory commission gridlines. In short a FELONY. Wow! Congratulations. So much shit stirred up in so little a time. Your parents must be proud of you. 15

1- You don't often see a question mark followed directly by a comma. I appreciated this inventive construction. 

2- Listen, Dropout, I'm not going to bust on you for your awful grammar, spelling, and punctuation throughout this e-mail, but if you want to be taken seriously you should really have someone go through your e-mails so they don't look so ridiculous. First, the word is "bored." Second, the word is "plane." Third, the word is "basis." Fourth the word is "convenient." Fifth, layover is one word. If you say I'd be a convenient lay...over on your way to somewhere, you're saying you'd find it convenient to come and fuck me while on your way somewhere else. I don't think that's what you mean. 

Regardless of that, what are you implying here? That you're going to come and find me at some magic convention and beat me up. Good luck. I would love that. I'm the worst type of person to fight. There are certainly other people stronger or more skilled than me, but my greatest advantage is that while you're in the "let's circle each other and figure out if we're really going to fight" phase, I'm busy knocking your fucking teeth down your throat. I'm not averse at all to fighting, and I would love to kick the shit out of someone at a magic convention. That sounds super-funny. We should do it at FISM or some shit and see if it makes MAGIC magazine's coverage. Of course it would only be self-defense on my part because you're the one intimating you want to start physical violence because I make jokes about magic on a weblog. That sounds ludicrous to me, but if that's the way you feel, have at it.

3- I've never understood this argument. Why am I a coward (or cowered) because I post my thoughts online for anyone and everyone to read? I'm not talking about you behind anyone's back. I'm talking about you completely out in the open. Why don't I give my name? As I've mentioned before, this is easy for anyone with a second of thought to figure out. Let's say I'm completely unknown in magic, well, then what good is it going to do you to know my name? On the other hand, what if I'm somewhat well known, or even really well known in magic, then people find out I do this site and they act completely different around me. Companies that usually give shitty service go out of their way to do well by me so I don't trash them on this site, people become guarded in what they say. I don't want that.

4- Yes, I'm sure you spend a lot of time thinking about pussy. Like a hungry man spends a lot of time thinking about food. 

5- Fucking go ahead then. What you don't understand is that I don't care if people know who I am. The only thing it will prevent me from doing is writing this site. So I'll stop writing this site. This is a very small part of my life.

6- Hahahahaha. Okay, I look forward to that lawsuit.

7- Your knowledge of the law is amazing (and it's about to get funnier, readers) you managed to misspell the name of both parties in that case.

8- Goddamn you are a riot! "Deformation" of character? It's defamation, you idiot. You're like Jeffy in the family circus. It's cute. Do you say "Psghetti and Meatbulbs" too? Oh, and "slander" is spoken. Your knowledge of the law is absolutely adorable!

9- He makes a good point. There really isn't much difference between killing a few thousand innocent people and making fun of Silver Shifter.

10- What a douche.

11- Actually no, I'm not thinking that. I know you have no idea who I am. 

12- He's saying it was hard work tracking me down and it cost him a good deal of money, yet in the first paragraph he says that I'm not worth a big effort. Proofread your made-up shit for consistency before you send it.

13- Gee, I know I shouldn't be giving advice to the person who is planning on suing me, but you shouldn't beg me to restart my site, it kind of weakens your case in the class action lawsuit.

14- Looking forward to it!

15- Oh no! Thanks for the warning. Man, I'm really, really scared! I'm going to lose my anal virginity in prison because I made fun of The Magic Cafe! And the FCC does not look kindly on that.

Now, obviously I wasn't fooled by this shit. It's too ridiculous. Even if he did have people lined up to to sue me (he doesn't) I wouldn't care because I haven't done anything that you can sue me for. Maybe Keith's dad can explain this in more detail for him, but I'll give it a shot. You can't sue me for making fun of you. You can't sue me for giving an opinion on your service or product. Even if that opinion causes people not to buy your product or use your service. Got it? It's freedom of speech. If you could do that then people would sue Ebert and Roeper for giving bad reviews of their movies. The only thing you could possibly sue me for is if I wrote something that was provably false (opinions can't be proved false) and that false statement must have caused you quantifiable damages. Got it? That would be libel. But again you have a problem. First this is a comedic web site and there are looser standards when judging comedy. Second if I did ever print anything that was libelous, it would have been done unintentionally and I'd gladly remove it. These six people (not including yourself) who supposedly have damages against me have, oddly enough, never written me to say that something I've written is false. I wonder why. Hmmm, no I don't wonder why. It's because there are no six people and you're full of shit.

And damn, that bugs me. If you had written me like a normal human being and said, "Hey, I know you have every right to say what you're saying, and you're probably going to make fun of me for even asking, but would you go easy on me [or 'would you go easy on whoever']. I realize it's supposed to be all in fun but it's kind of upsetting." Guess what. I would have taken it easy on you. The big lie, and I certainly perpetuate it, is that I'm an unreasonable prick who just talks shit about everyone. And while that's somewhat true, it doesn't tell the whole story. It's only when you or your idiot friends talk about suing me (whether it be for "deformation and slander" or child pornography, as was mentioned by your inbred buddies at the Cafe) that I become truly rabid. So you can send me some more e-mails full of empty threats and utter bullshit if you're so inclined, but don't expect me to be intimidated.

The Art of Intimidation

First, don't lie. And certainly don't lie about things you don't know about. The mistake Keith made is that he tried to base his intimidation on a total bluff. And I (since I know who I am, and I know my situation) know the total truth, so I'm able to gauge all his statements against the actual facts. That might not be a clear and I don't want to give anything away, but, well let's put it this way... say someone called you up and said, "I followed you home last night and got in through your basement window. Tonight I'm going to do the same thing, but I'm going to slit your throat while you sleep." Now, that's certainly intimidation, but if you live in an apartment you know it's a lie, so it's not very effective intimidation.

Second, don't oversell your position. There is no quicker way to end an argument, debate, or fight than by overextending yourself. If Keith had just written an e-mail saying, "My father is a lawyer and we believe we can prove damages and we intend to sue you for libel." Perhaps that would have given me pause. I doubt it, but perhaps. But Keith made the mistake that if one threat was good then maybe 30 would be really good. And that caused him to just make some ridiculous statements. For example, a class action lawsuit can only be filed by people with substantially similar circumstances, I don't believe it could be filed in regards to different statements that affected different people in different ways. You can't just file a class-action lawsuit, you need class-action certification. Oh, and another ridiculous claim that he made (that the FCC wants to take action against me) is probably the dumbest thing ever printed on this site. And I've printed a letter from Daffydoug! The FCC doesn't regulate the internet you dipshit.

Third, choose your target carefully. I am not easily intimidated. You can regroup, get your shit together, and come back at me. It doesn't matter. I have no respect for someone who tries to shut me up not with logic or reason, but with threats and lies. Stick to making unnecessarily realistic looking thumbtips. Apparently that's something you're capable of at least. You're not capable of intimidating me because I'm smarter than you, and in this case, I'm in the right as well. Now shut the fuck up.

---

2015

That's pretty much where things ended on the blog. Although Keith did continue to send me some strange emails. First to tell me that someone had called his house and threatened his daughter and he was bringing in the FBI and they were surveilling me. Sure. That happened. Anyway, here is the end of our email correspondence:

On Wednesday, August 11, 2004 8:09 PM, Keith A. Lack <arlen@c-zone.net> wrote:

Come on dude,

I'll even help you out with that little PK Time problem you were having
after we talk.  I am not going to hurt you physically, I just want the
chance to talk to you face to face.  A few of the guys from the meeting said
they know where you live.  Is it OK if we stop by after the meeting if you
can't make it?  I'm here in town.  Looks like you were not too far from me
after all.

Keith

From: <magic_circle_jerk@yahoo.com>
To: "Keith A. Lack" <arlen@c-zone.net>
Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 9:34 PM

If I cared enough to be confused about what you're talking about, I would be.

On Thursday, August 12, 2004 2:54 PM, Keith A. Lack <arlen@c-zone.net> wrote:

Interesting post,

I missed you last night.  Came by your house but the lights were off.  I
have sold a bunch of Pop Eyes and CREATURES since you posted my link.  So I
guess this is a bitter sweet deal.

Keith

From: <magic_circle_jerk@yahoo.com>
To: "Keith A. Lack" <arlen@c-zone.net>
Sent: Thursday, August 12, 2004 12:16 PM

Keith,

I'm glad you've sold some Pop Eyes and Creatures. As I said on my site, I thought Creature looked pretty great. You seem to think I wish for your failure, I don't. I don't think about you at all actually.

I was home last night, I wish you'd have stopped by.

Andy

On Thursday, August 12, 2004 3:42 PM, Keith A. Lack <arlen@c-zone.net> wrote:

Came by around 2 after the magic meeting.  Your lights were off.  I am not
sure if you have kids or not.  Did not want to do you yours what you have
done to mine.

Keith

---

And that's where I left it. I don't think I heard from Keith again. And apparently the FCC, FBI and local law enforcement are still putting together their case against me.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Three - Erotica

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Pornography at the Magic Cafe

There's a great section of the Cafe that most people probably never visit. The section is uncleverly called "What happened, was this..." and it's for people to share their wonderful stories of performing magic for people (You'd think in a forum with designated grammar police that they'd realize there shouldn't be a comma in that section title, but you'd be wrong. Oh, Leo B. Domapias, you've let me down again.) The stories themselves are, for the most part, ridiculously uninteresting, but Robert Allen sent me an e-mail last week where he mentioned that a lot of the titles of these posts seem to indicate a story that would perhaps be better suited for the Penthouse Forum. Keeping that in mind, here are actual titles to posts from that section. Dirty Fuck Story or Lame Magic Story? (Don't bother clicking on the links below or you'll realize they're all lame magic stories.)

I made a lady cry
Warm and Fuzzy
First performance...unplanned
Best reaction ever...from my little sister!
"Do you have a gift?"
My memorable experience (at Abbots get together)
Made a child's day...and her mother's too!
Made a kid bleed for the 1st time today!
Trained Mouse stories
Scottish cardmen, unite! Amazing story!
Can you pull the three of diamonds outta there?
Grandma Thinks it's Real!
Why we do it/did it...
I am a revealer!
Oh So Satisfying
Phewwwwww! WOW!
Last night with Lennart Green
A great ketchup bottle story
Upstaged by a 2 year old...AGAIN!!
Fun on the bus
It makes you want to scream
A truly magical 30 minutes

[Update 2015: Here are some more magic stories with potentially dirty titles from that same section over the past few years.]

I Did Not Call You Babe
Little Girl, Almost in Tears
The Magic Finger
Caught With Pants Down
A Double Whammy
Should It Be That Hard To Find a Picture of Max Maven @ 1 am?
A Problem With My Belt
Kids......Sigh
The Dripping Box