MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Thirteen - The Magic of Poetry

I once did a contest on my old site where people wrote in erotic fan-fiction that featured the staff of the Magic Cafe. I considered posting that in this advent calendar, but when I went back to read it, it made me want to vomit. So instead I will post the efforts done by my readers for a more tame creative endeavor: The Magic Cafe Poetry Contest...

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Free Magic and The Magic of Poetry 

Well, hello, all. One of the first things I ever said I was going to do on this site was to give away some of my magic possessions in order to simplify that area of my life. I haven't done this in awhile but it's time for another free magic giveaway and this one is, what they would call in Latin, "a doozy."

We're all familiar with this man. Whether you know him as Max Maven, or Phil Goldstein, or Andy the guy behind MCJ, his contributions to this art form are vast and significant: no reasonable man could disagree. So all should be happy to learn that the prize for this contest is the Max Maven/Phil Goldstein Family Fun Pack (TM) which consists of: Focus, Redivider, and Shinkansen.

"Okay, Andy," you're saying, "Give me your address so I can come over and blow you for this wonderful package." Not so fast! You can win this contest without resorting to BJs. In fact it just requires a bit of creativity. You see, this contest will be won by whoever submits the best magic poem. "Magic poem...," you're thinking, "that sounds gayer then coming over to give you a blowjob." No, this will be fun. Here's how it works. Choose someone from The Magic Cafe then pillage a bunch of their posts for lines and phrases and then create a poem solely from these lines. For example, I created this poem from the posts of David Neighbors. Every phrase comes from one of David's posts, all the spelling and grammar are his own (and the Cafe's Grammar Gestapo). I have just cut and pasted them into an order that I felt was aesthetically pleasing. Here is the poem:

Killer Sponge Rabbits
by MCJ and David Neighbors

magical powers aren't that easy to come by
If I had real magical powers, I would just make a few killer looking women love me
maybe some of the older guys can help me out?

I don't know if I will ever be able to float anything more then a pencil
did not get mastery of time and space at the drop of a hat
making four coins jump from hand to hand is hard
I was going to show my powers just for entertainment
like an IDIOT!

I know someone who loaded one of Tod's $ 1.00 shells In someone shirt pocket
...then forgot all about it
..And lost the shell

I have small hands
In the spectators hands

I would just make a few killer looking women love me
I don't Know how
Does anyone know how

It's just that easy. Remember the poems (including the title) have to be made up entirely of phrases from one particular Cafe member of your choosing. And I am talking multi-word phrases, don't just chop it up into individual words, that's too easy. I suppose my own tastes lean a bit towards Robert Frost, but that would be a tough target to hit. The winner will get the Goldstein/Maven Family Fun Pack and there might be some runner-up prizes as well if I get a number of good ones. Enter as many times (with different poems) as you like.

The contest ends one week from the very second this post goes up.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Magic Circle Jerk's Poet Laureate 

The poetry contest has ended. (The contest, briefly, was to choose a member of The Magic Cafe, take lines from different posts of theirs and use those lines to construct a poem.) I received a lot of great entries and I'm going to post some of the best ones in the next day or so. One poet stood out as particularly fine. In fact, his poetry was so moving that I was shocked that I hadn't read his work before. He makes Shakespeare look like a fucking joke. He easily beats Yeats and Keats. If Maya Angelou had read his work she would have given up poetry to write ad copy for yogurt in a tube, if not just gone ahead and killed herself.

The winner is Danny Diamond (whose name is itself pure poetry). He won for two reasons. One, he submitted two good poems. Two, he was the only one to even attempt to tackle any sort of rhyme scheme, which was almost impossible with this, and somewhat succeed.
So here it is, the poetry of Danny Diamond.

This first poem comes from the posts of Phantomace. Phantomace, from what little I've read of him, seems to be a fawning little queen for the flourisher De'vo. And, in fact, that's what this first poem is all about. It's called...

A Dream Come True
by Danny Diamond and Phantomace

A 19 year old supermodel,
Just doesn't do it for me.
A legend, not a person…De'vo,
I have been lucky enough to see

The pants off of me,
His Heaven Display,
1 inch fingers about 1-2 hours a day,
Will have me screaming all the way.

At least add a girl…
LOL, you are wrong!
He said it will be between
4-5 minutes long. 

I jerked my head back.I
love to watch.
The Little Red Balls,
Were top notch.

Longer than I thought it would be,
UNCUT!!…De'vo's clean.
HOTNESS!…
A 2 1/2 minute blindfolded routine!

De'vo is a legend,
De'vo…is a good friend.
Some of his stuff is just freaky,
What's up with the chicken in the end?

Even though it is a quicky,
WOW!That's when I knew,
De'vo hooked up this young kid, 
Smoothness…A dream come true.

For his second poem, Danny took the posts of one of my favorite people at the Cafe and mix-mastered that shit into some dope flows that I'm sure even the original author will appreciate. So here they are, spinning wax and speaking facts it's...

Me, Me, Me
by Danny Diamond and Djvirtualreality

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I'm well known…
I'm only 14…I am 15…
I always wear rubberbands… 
I have a bunch of time on my hands…
I just walk around in malls.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I have a bunch of friends…
I play with my friends…
I love techno and club music…
I hate reading…
I always spike my hair… 
I hate harry potter.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I slammed my friend's mom…
I haven't been caught yet…
I love to act a fool…
I have to take cold showers…
I've never had a soft one.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality… 
I learn off the exposure sites…
I don't own any effects…
I'm not worried about it…
I practice in front of my BIG mirror…
I can see a crazy man…
I wear a wife beater…
I have blisters.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality… 
I love to perform for girls…I
mess up on purpose…
I do this all the time in school…
I shot an ice blast at my foot…
I bleed a little.
I am very confused.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality

---

[2015 - If you're interested in reading some of the other poetry submissions, you can find a bunch here: http://thelinesyouamend.blogspot.com/2004_09_01_archive.html ]

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Twelve - Seduction Magic

I'm bummed that I can't find the actual ad that the posts below were talking about because you probably won't believe it actually existed, but it did. It was an ad for a plastic wine bottle that split open down the middle and inside were a bunch of cheap plastic magic tricks. And the ad implied that maybe you could introduce this bottle of wine into some romantic evening and then bust out the magic tricks to win the heart and genitals of some lady who had caught your fancy.

It was ridiculous. Magic, in the best of circumstances, is a turn-off as frequently as it's a turn-on. And that's even more true for tricks you find on the same spinning rack as the joy-buzzers and snapping gum. The only possible way this bottle of cheap tricks might get you laid is if you knocked someone unconscious with it. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Gentlemen, Start Your Penises 

If you've read this site for any length of time, you know that I am a big believer that nothing gets your more pussy than a well done magic trick. Let's be honest, the days of the "bad boy" and the "tanned Adonis with rippling muscles" are over. The modern gal wants more than just a snazzy dresser. Today's woman is looking for a guy with a pocketful of close-up tricks. Did I say a pocketful? I meant a bottleful!!! Wheeeee!!!!

I want to thank Nate Marsh, who I'm sure understands the aphrodisiac powers of a well placed paddle-move as much as I do, for sending along the link to this site [2015: It's dead now, don't bother] It's a bunch of plastic tricks in a plastic bottle! But that's not all. These tricks are the types of tricks that get you laid! And just in time for Valentine's Day! Let me quote the ad:

"Do you have your eye on someone special? Now is your chance to impress them with your seduction magic. They will melt like butter when you wow them with your razzle dazzle."

And really, what woman wouldn't "melt like butter" when you seductively pull out some gozinta boxes or a plastic brainteaser. Women love brainteasers! It's like Spanish Fly to them.

After you perform the imp bottle you can say, "I know something else that won't lay down all night." Then whip out your cock and spray your load into her mouth (her mouth will still be agape from all the mind-blowing tricks you've shown her). She won't mind. She'll thank you for it!

The most amazing thing about this though is the price! There's no way they should be able to get away with charging just $15 for what is nothing less than a blow-job generating machine. I mean, the women are going to be lined up for you when you perform these tricks. No doubt. Seriously, if you get this set and perform these awesome tricks when you're done you're going to be like, "Baby, is your refrigerator on the fritz? What's that buzzing sound?" And she'll be like, "That's my clit, you animal! You're driving me crazy! And now it's time for you finish the job your magic ball and vase started!"

What I don't understand is, why this is legal when the date-rape drug isn't? Doesn't it amount to the same thing?

I'm going to break this thing open tonight and perform some of the effects for that someone special I have my eye on. I'll let you know how it goes over tomorrow!

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Part Two

Sally arrived at 8:30 last night. She was wearing a tight, knee-length, black skirt, with a slit up the side and a small, low-cut red top. This was the first time I'd seen her outside of the gym, and while I'd always known she had a beautiful body, seeing her raven-black hair freed from the workout ponytail I normally saw it in, spilling down her back, is what made my heart truly skip a beat.

I pulled her chair out for her and we sat down to the dinner I had made(shrimp scampi). After the first bite her hand went to her chest as if reaching for an invisible locket hanging from her necklace. "My god," she said, "this is the greatest food I've ever tasted. You made this?" 

I nodded. "I'm glad you like it."

"It's incredible. I'm really impressed," she said.

Throughout dinner we talked about our lives, our jobs, and our interests. I was charming without being sycophantic, witty without being vulgar, and flirty without being lecherous. She was a wonderful conversationalist, punctuating her remarks with a gentle laugh or a flirty batting of her eyelashes.

After dessert (tiramisu) we went to the living room, settling into the couch in front of the warm glow of the fire. She sat in the middle and I sat on the end, slightly turned in towards her, my arm resting on the back of the couch. After more conversation she moved herself closer to me, her skirt shifted up a couple of inches in the process. My eyes glanced at her tanned thighs that were almost exposed, she caught me looking, I gave a sheepish grin and she smiled in return. We both got quiet for a moment then, while tracing lines on my arm, she said in a quiet voice...

"I'm so happy I came here tonight. I was hesitant at first because I knew so little about you, but my roommate Cindy urged me to come. And I couldn't be happier that I did. This is one of the most beautiful, most perfect evenings I've ever had. I haven't laughed this much or been this interested in someone in a very long time. So thank you. That being said, I hope the night doesn't have to end anytime soon."

Her hand slid up my arm to my shoulder then through my hair as she pulled my head towards her. Just before our lips met I said, "Could you excuse me for a moment." She looked a little disturbed and perhaps embarrassed, wondering if I was turned off by something she had said.

When I returned with the "bottle of wine" the smile returned to her face. "You know," she said, "this really is turning out to be the perfect evening."

"It's not what you think," I said.

I took the bottle and cracked it over my head allowing all the tricks to spill out. "Wheeeeee! Hooray! Do you want to see some magic? Come here, look. Lay down bottle. Look, I can make it lay down, can you? Nope, didn't think you could. Got a penny? Here, I got one. I'll put it in this plastic drawer, close the drawer, and now it's gone. Where'd it go? I don't know! It's MAGIC!"

She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I was so enthralled with the magic that the next thing I remember is the sound of her car starting up outside as I shoved the plastic nails through the little plastic container with the plastic coin inside.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Eleven - One Class in Torts

So a couple weeks ago I got a bug up my ass that it would be fun to move out of my apartment. I've been in this place for almost 10 years and it's always good to mix things up. So recently my days have been spent packing boxes and sorting through old shit and now I want to murder myself. Never move. Just be born and stay at your parent's place until you die. It's what the American Indians did (or so I figure). 

It's good though. I try to remember to appreciate my life when it's tranquil and under control, but there's always an enjoyable aspect to things being completely up in the air as well. A year and a half ago I left my regular day-job to work primarily on freelance opportunities, and now I'm leaving my stable home to journey around from place to place and see where things take me. Like the Hulk (the TV show, you youngsters).

I will probably end up back in NYC eventually, but hopefully with a renewed appreciation for the place.

If I let the response to this site dictate where I would go next it would be Mountain View, California. There is no area on earth where a lot of people have pre-ordered the book, but if I were to look at a map of the world with thumbtacks for every pre-order, Mountain View would be a "hot zone." If this were the scene in the movie where scientists plot outbreak points in an attempt to halt an impending zombie apocalypse someone would say, "Professor Scientist, Mountain View is the place where that truck dumped a load of feces into the water supply." Or however the fuck zombie apocalypses happen.

Speaking of the book. I took a rare break from moving related duties today to work on it. Today I wrote up a trick called Shutterlock which is the best way I've ever found to reveal any peeked word or phrase. It's not a peek, mind you, it's a way to reveal that information. And it's one that can get an entire small crowd involved (up to 15 people or so), is funny, leaves them with a memento of the effect, and gets people 100% engaged and active in the presentation. You will like it.

Today's advent calendar post is a little different. It's not an entry from the MCJ blog. Instead it's the email that was sent by the Cafe staff to Blogspot trying to get my site shut down (with my footnotes). Enjoy!

From Lee Darrow to Blogspot. 

http://magiccirciejerkblogspot.com/ is directly instigating defamatory and damaging materials against another web-based business, notably www.themagiccafe.com, a magicians web board that also serves as a portal to a magic ordering system. 1

The poster of the above blog has stated that his goal is to "cause trouble" to Steve Brooks (owner of the Café) and members of that board. 2

He is even offering a REWARD for doing so in the form of a $45 magic book! 

I believe that this is a serious violation of your terms of service and would strongly recommend remedial action, post haste. 3

Interference with someone else's business is, if I recall my one class in torts, not something to be ignored and your member seems to have openly stated that this is his agenda. 4

I mean, it's one thing to state a personal opinion, but it's a whole other thing to incite disruption of someone's business as the blog owner seems to be doing! 5

A word to the wise only, not a flame. 6

You might want to take a serious look at the blog and make your own determination, though. 7

Sincerely, 
Lee Darrow, C.Ht

Footnotes:

1. "A portal to a magic ordering system"? What is he talking about? I guess he was trying to pretend that The Magic Cafe was something other than a slum message board. I'm curious about people who do something like this. What I mean is, I'm curious about people who are willing to lie or make shit up in order to make a point or get something they want. You know you're lying, right? Your brain is recording the information, yes? So if you're in an argument or dispute and you feel you have to lie, don't you say to yourself, "Hmm... I guess I'm not in the right here because I have to lie in order try and come out on top. I should probably just drop it." That's what I would do. (Caveat, I'm a decent human being. So maybe that's where the difference is.)

2. Here we go again. Let's see the awful way I was inciting people to "cause trouble" at the Magic Cafe. This is from a post two days before the above email was sent. I wrote:

I also appreciate anybody else's efforts insofar as causing trouble at the Cafe is concerned. If you want to link to this site just for the sake of good times and good karma, I appreciate it. But only do so in a thread where it's actually relevant (for instance if they're talking about something I've reviewed). I don't have any desire to riddle the board with links to this site where they're not of any help. But at the same time "relevant" is somewhat subjective so you can be creative in how you link to my site as well.

Oh, the humanity! I admit it, everyone. I am the founding member of Anonymous. My particular brand of web-terrorism involved suggesting to people they could link to my site where it was relevant and helpful. Watch out, ISIS, you're next.

3. "A serious violation." Me making fat jokes and suggesting people post links to my site where appropriate. This is the "serious violation," he was talking about. Absolutely no sense of perspective about anything. 

4. Looks like you need another class in torts, ya shitwad.

5. Cool it with the exclamation points in an email if you're trying to be taken seriously. It makes you look stupid!

6. That's not how you use that word.

7. Oh, how magnanimous of you. They can make their own determination? Not just take action based on your lies and exaggerations? You're too kind.

Of course Blogspot told him to take a hike. I'm not sure what he thought that email would accomplish but it did nothing.

There's a bigger lesson to be learned here. If anyone from the Cafe had written me when I started my site and said, "You're right. We really should have uniform standards for what posts we delete and what we keep. It's kind of ridiculous to get haughty about our standards and then apply them arbitrarily" it would have completely taken the wind out of my sails as far as going off on the Cafe staff went. And, while I may not have stopped writing the site, I would have stopped writing about the Cafe staff pretty much immediately. Keep that in mind when you deal with confrontation in the future. As Lee says, "A word to the wise, not a flame."

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Ten - SEOmen

Having a site called The Magic Circle Jerk meant I often had people coming to my site thinking it was something it wasn't. The following post was my attempt to satisfy anyone who came to my site regardless of what they were looking for.

Friday, April 30, 2004

Everything to Everyone 

There was a time when this site first started where a full 25% of the people visiting this site thought it was devoted to standing around in a circle stroking your cock. I always felt bad about disappointing those people but there was not much more I could do than wish them well in their search for group-masturbation sites. I felt pretty certain that there was no lack of these on the internet. 

Let's take a look at some of the search words that brought people to my site in the month of April alone... (for those who don't know, many programs that count the number of visitors a site gets, also keep track of what search words were used to find your site)

Search words ........................... # of visitors
circle jerk ...........................................14
circle jerk off ......................................3
circle jerk video .................................1
"circle jerk"...........................................1
black circle jerk ..................................1
circle jerk stories ...............................1
cookie, circle jerk ...............................1
have you ever had a circle jerk ......1
free site circle jerk ..............................1
first time circle jerk .............................1
circle jerk contest ................................1

So that's 26 people who came to this site this month looking for sexual content. That figure is what statisticians would call "statistically insignificant" because so many more people visit this site for magic content, by an order of magnitude. But I don't care! I tell you, I just don't care if these people are statistically insignificant. They're still people aren't they! Yes, of course they are. And shouldn't we do the best we can for our fellow man? I believe we should. 

And yet I can't forget my core audience. So, in order to appeal to everybody, what follows is a sexually suggestive review for the Magic Bible Coloring Book. Enjoy!

(This presupposes that guys who are looking for "circle jerk pictures" are gay. If you're a guy who came here looking for circle jerk content, and you don't think you're gay, let me break it to you: you are. You are 100% Grade-A flaming queer. That's okay. Learn to accept it. And if you're like, "No, you don't understand, me and the guys in my frat have circle-jerks to initiate the new guys." I'll say no, you don't understand, you're gay and so is your entire frat. It's okay. These variations of the human species are a wonderful thing, and frats have always been a gay haven. This is nothing new. Enjoy the review.)
_________________________________________________________

Review -- Magic Bible Coloring Book

Those of you who read my reviews regularly know that I like my reviews to be hard-hitting and explosive. As you can imagine I was soooooo excited to review the Magic Bible Coloring Book. There is really only one word to describe this effect: penetrating. I remember the first time I saw this effect, my mouth dropped open and I was on my knees begging for it. Imagine this: You've got a show for some fit young boy scouts or maybe at a Greek bath-house. You whip out this Bible Coloring Book and show all the pages to be creamy white on both sides. With just a shake of your hips, the book now shows drawings of the Christian story, from the time J.C. was born until he was fully-erected on the cross. Then you just say the ancient Egyptian magic words "Bendiz Hiney Overma Desktop" and now the pictures are in full color! That's right every picture of Jesus' rippling abs are now in full color for all to admire. What can I say, I love this effect! It's so shocking that virtually every orifice will start pulsing, almost "winking" in excitement. You can even perform this effect surrounded! That's right, people can come in a circle around you. And this effect will keep them coming, over and over. It's such a fun effect to play with, I wouldn't be surprised if you just play with it yourself. You should see the incredible reactions this effect gets! I did it for this guy who was transferring a load of warm hand lotion in the spa where I work, he was so surprised that he shot his load all over my face. He apologized as the hot goo dripped off my chin, but I was just glad I could make him happy. Surprisingly it's been a big hit with my guy friends. They always say "Pull it out! Pull it out!" and then I'll reluctantly take it out while they gather around and watch me perform. It's a real humdinger. It leaves all my friends hot and throbbing trying to figure it out. It's great. Four brown stars!!!!

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Nine - The Brooksies

What follows is the complete story of the first (and, as of now, only) Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards aka The Brooksies. I had planned on doing these again sometime but reading back on it and remembering all the work that went into it over many weeks, it's probably not that likely. Plus the Cafe is filled with a different type of idiot these days. Not like the lovable knuckleheads who populated the nominations back in 2004. Most of the idiots there these days are cynical and negative and have some issue with every product that comes out. I prefer the idiots of old.  The positive idiots. Enthusiastic young men with a 4th grade education getting pumped for the newest magic releases or preparing to release their first DVD.

Here is the story of the Brooksies from the initial idea through the award ceremony...

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Help an Idiot Win a Prize 

I've been very forward-thinking recently on this site, talking about this or that plan or project. And while I know some people would prefer I write about, oh...say, magic things I've bought then got my dick stuck in (that last one was asking for it; you don't dress like that and expect not to get bent over my close-up case), here's another idea I had for something that won't come to fruition for a few weeks. In accordance with my goal to be the most beloved figure in magicdom I have created the first annual Magic Cafe Golden Idiot award. 

Here's the idea: I'm going to open my e-mail box to suggestions as to who is the dumbest member of The Magic Cafe forums. What I'd like you to do is nominate a person and give two or three examples of why you believe this person to be the supreme idiot. I'll gather these suggestions and narrow the field down to five and have a big nominee announcing post. Then people will be able to vote for those nominees for a certain period of time, and eventually we'll have a winner. The winner will receive $100 cash, and maybe some kind of trophy or plaque. They will also be given the opportunity to write an acceptance speech that I will post here for all to read.

Damn, this is going to be good.

---

[2015: I won't re-post everything that happened over the two months the Brooksies lasted, but a couple things to note are that before the nominations happened, Penguin magic stepped in and offered an additional $100 for the winner. So the winner was now getting $200. And I instituted a change to the procedure where if the person who won didn't accept the award (and write an acceptance speech), I would give the $200 to the person who nominated them instead. Essentially forcing the person to participate or have them still get made fun of and watch the person who originally called them out end up with the prize. I'm a prick.]

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Brooksy Nominations 

The big day is finally here! It's so exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees are (in alphabetical order)...

Nominee #1 -- Daffydoug

Daffydoug is one of the most prolific members of The Magic Cafe. Since December 23, 2003 he has, at the time of this writing, made 1636 posts on the Cafe. "Great," you're thinking, "he must be a really knowledgeable fellow." Not quite. Doucheydoug is one of those people who feel that they have to post every piece-of-shit random thought that passes through their head. In other words, he's one of the people who has turned the Cafe from a potentially helpful resource to an idiot warehouse.

Here's an example of one of Doug's genius posts:

Any cartoon fans out there? Specifically talking about Coyote and Road Runner, what was your favorite Coyote experiment/failure? 

I loved the Acme Earthquake Pills, where he shook and rumbled so violently that he finally ends up destroying just about everything!

Yeah, Doug, that was fucking hilarious. Anyway, here's another bit of brilliance.

Any Stoogeaholics on the forum? Have a favorite Stooge line? 

Oh yeah, I got one. Let me see if I can remember it. I think it was something like, "Only the retarded think we're funny. Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

Here's a great post that is not only completely paranoid, but also shows a total lack of understanding for how inflation works. He thinks that the fact that the cost of gas and postage stamps tends to gradually increase over time is a sign of some devious plot by...well, I'm not quite sure who he thinks. Just read it, the post is idiotic. By that same logic, the fact that that minimum wage goes up gradually over time is proof that the government wants us all to be millionaires.

In that post he write:

Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play. 

I hate being used. And I CERTAINLY hate having my intelligence underestimated.

Don't worry "daffydoug," I think it will be really hard for anyone to under estimate your intelligence.

Nominee #2 -- djvirtualreality

There are lots of different types of idiots on the Cafe, djvirtualreality is an example of the teenager-self-producing-a-DVD-of-his-shitty-magic idiot. And I'm not talking about some precocious teenager who happens to have hit on some intriguing new magic. I'm just talking about your standard teenage-dope. I look forward to his ad in Genii magazine soon.

Okay everybody...you asked for it, now here it is.

Do you want to learn magic from someone who...

-- has no idea where a classic effect originated, but wants to teach it to you anyway?

-- isn't technically proficient enough to perform a false count, so he has an unnatural disdain for them? 

-- has a Ramen noodle stuck in his head?

Then you want Magic My Way by djvirtualreality. Look for the box with the guy on the cover pulling down his sunglasses in an effort to look cool, but he looks like an idiot whose notions of "looking cool" come from music videos from 1983.

Nominee #3 -- kihei kid

Why the Kihei Kid?

Is it because he doesn't know the difference between effect and affect? 

Is it because he believes "Don't bore your audience" to be a new rule in magic?

Is it because he told this completely bullshit story, that even if it was true would mean that he got some corporation to spend, maybe three dollars mailing a brick? Ooohhhh he's really fighting the power.

No, as far as I'm concerned, the kihei kid's dumbest post is this one in regards to evolution. It's fine if you don't believe in evolution. It's idiotic, but it's fine. But here KK, not only shows his lack of knowledge about evolution, but science in general as he has somehow confused a principle of biology (evolution) as a principle of cosmology. The reason he has done this is because he gets all his scientific knowledge from religious authors which is a bad place to get your scientific information. If you don't believe me read the entire topic and watch the Kihei Kid mangle science throughout the whole thread.

Nominee #4 -- MagicChris

I have to tell you, I love MagicChris and his sweetly-retarded brand of idiocy. Unfortunately, his crowning glory is currently in the Cafe's "Cooler" section where only the staff of the Cafe can read it and make fun of him. However, I was wise enough to copy his thoughts from that now unavailable thread so that we can all enjoy them. 

[2015: Here is the thread, it's no longer in the "Cooler." And MagicChris became Review King.]

The topic of the thread was Ammar's new set of Easy To Master Card Miracles. MagicChris first weighed in to say:

I died and went to heaven-this is the gretaest event of the year!!!!!!!!! 

and later he adds:

Learning from DVD's is far better than books. Hooray for Amamr sharing these great secrets with us!!! 

Roll Over Aces from a book? Forget it!!! 

Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!1

These posts may make you think that he is either seven years old or suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome. Surprisingly though, at times he does have a coherent post. But more often than not it is just imbecilic raving.

Hooray for MagicChris!!!!!1

Nominee #5 -- Turnerhooch

Our final nominee is Turnerhooch, who, with one post, made himself a beacon of Cafe stupidity. And here it is.

In this thread he makes the point that the pass is a shitty sleight and then clarifies this position by saying that the Beatles weren't a very good band. Good argument there. Actually, he seems to hedge at one point and say that both the pass and the Beatles are "decent." Yes, I suppose both the pass and the Beatles are decent, but they're certainly no glide and Matchbox 20. That's for damn sure.

This thread alone would have got him nominated, but he also comes up with what is possibly the lamest magic trick ever.

Astounding

---

Monday, June 14, 2004

The 2004 Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards! 

Announcer: Goooooooooood evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the first annual Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards! And now, here's your host, Mr. MCJ himself...Andy!

[Applause]

Me: Thank you, thank you. 

[Applause]

Me: Oh thank you, that's really too kind. Thank you.

[Applause] 

Me: Thank you. I love you all.

[Audience is forcibly stopped from applauding]

Me: Okay. First, I'd like to thank you all for your support in making this first annual Brooksy award season something very special. 

Say, have any of you been to The Magic Cafe? You know, they have a really nice group that runs that place over there. They must be nice because they apparently hired blind, mentally-retarded children to design their web site.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site is really classy. Oh sure, they'll delete any dissenting opinions and they don't encourage thoughtful debate. But who among us isn't intrigued and stimulated by their huge collection of wacky emoticons.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site really helps people. In fact I hear they just opened a new section on that site called "The Last Supper." It's for their members to get together and talk about how much time they spend at the Cafe and their inevitable suicidal depression.

[Laughter]

But seriously... Did you hear Steve Brooks was at a magic lecture the other day? It's true. And the magician was explaining some tricks during intermission. But each time he would explain the trick and say,"First you do a slop shuffle," the person he was talking to would walk away and hand their deck to Steve Brooks. Now this happened three or four time, until finally the magician got infuriated and said, "Don't you guys want to learn this trick?" To which the attendees replied, "Yes, of course." And the magician said, "Then why do you keep giving your deck to Steve Brooks when I tell you to do a slop-shuffle." To which the attendees respond, "Slop-shuffle? We thought you said 'Slob shuffle.'"

[Laughter]

But seriously...Let's get on with the show. Here are our first (and only) award presenters tonight. One of them is an Angel and the other one once slept on and then ate a mattress made out of angel food cake. Here are Mya Angel and Steve Brooks.

[Silence]

Mya Angel: Hello, we are here to present the award for biggest idiot at The Magic Cafe. Say, Steve, I was just wondering something.

Steve Brooks: What's that Mya?

Mya Angel: Do you have a sponge ding-dong?

Steve Brooks: Of course not, Mya. How could you ever think that?

Mya Angel: Well, I had no way of knowing because I haven't seen your dick in ages. Plus it seemed logical because you have a sponge gut, spongy thighs, and a big spongy fat ass.

[Laughter]

Mya Angel: And the nominees for the Golden Idiot are:

Daffydoug-- "Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play."

Djvirtualreality-- "I've snorted a ramen noodle up my nose, but wasn't able to get it all the way back."

kihei kid-- "The point I was trying to make is ask anyone who agrees with the theory of evolution about the solar system and they will tell you (they have to) that it "just was" and "it has always been in existence"."

MagicChris-- "Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!!!"

Turnerhooch-- "Have someone set off a firecracker in the back and when everyone turns around to look, that's your misdirection to run out onstage. When everyone turns back around, there you are, standing triumphantly with your arms spread, waiting to start your act."

Mya Angel: And the winner is.

Steve Brooks: Djvirtualreality!

Djvirtualreality: [This is his actual, unedited, acceptance e-mail that was sent to me.]

 
I heard about this from a staff member at the cafe. I honestly thought that it was an award from Steve Brooks. The staff member said that you were a rude and vicious person trying to destroy the cafe and it's members. He sent me the site and checked it out. I thought it's a pretty cool site and I read through the comments. Though I don't really like the fact that people are getting picked on, but everyone has their opinion. It's a right for free speech right? I told a few friends about this and I told them the prize. I honestly don't think it's true, but if it is, I'm all for it. I do have a sense of humor and didn't take much offence to it. If you truly have a prize and your recycled trophy, I'd be happy to be on your nominee list. About my DVD, yes I am going to produce it. It will have all my creations as well as friends handlings. I read that I don't know who to credit, and I don't on some, but that's what asking is for right? Well thanks I guess for you to have me as your winner. I hope your site keeps going well and hopefully I'm another nominee. Thanks...... The Golden Idiot, Josh Golas
 

Andy: [Singing]

There he is...Golden Idiot

Master of stupidity
Intent on making a DVD
Still hasn't lost his virginity

There he is...Golden Idiot

Sunglasses on, he thinks he's cool
I think that he looks like a fool
But perhaps it works in middle school

There he is...Golden Idiot

Probably not the next David Blaine
Doesn't know about Peter Kane
But he does have a Ramen noodle in his brain

There he is...Golden Idiot

Goodnight, everybody! I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to all those of you who voted and thanks to the Cafe and all the idiots who spend so much time there. We couldn't have done it without you.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Eight - Final Load

This is one of the dumber things I ever wrote. But I was happy to see that the site I linked to was still there all these years later, completely unchanged. Make sure to have your volume up.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I'm Furious 

I don't talk too much about my personal repertoire on this site, because I don't like to give away too much of my rich thinking to the vultures who would just start performing my material without giving it near as much thought as it requires.

But now something has happened that requires me to talk about some of my personal performance material. As some people know my medium, so to speak, has changed a number of times over the past few years. I used to do only cards, then I specialized in a billiard ball manipulation act, then I worked with doves, and now I work solely with cum.

Yes, it's an untapped genre in close-up magic but I'm a bit of a trailblazer when it comes to my pet effects.

These effects include, but aren't limited too, my 3 Cum Monte, Cum to Light bulb, Liquid Sands (the liquid being cum), Lota Cock, a no-bullet version of the bullet catch, and my escape from a milk can (filled with cum).

And, of course, there are a number of slush powder based cum effects.

While not strictly semen related, I also perform a version of "Any Drink Called For" with my cock (a Thurston idea).

Now, I don't want to detail any of the exact workings of these effects because they are precious to me. But here's a cum based gag that you can throw into your existing repertoire. It's based on the old "52 pickup" joke. You approach someone and say, "Would you like to play 1 mop-up?" When they agree to the game you shoot your load on the floor and say, "Bitch, mop that up."

Anyway, the reason I bring this all up is because this branch of magic whose secrets I have so closely guarded, the branch of magic I originated, is being stolen out from under me and I'm not even getting any credit. This asshole even stole my jazzy theme music!

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Seven - The Time Steve Brooks Tried to Co-Opt 9/11 to Make His Site Seem Relevant

Here are two posts from the past that I'm putting up because they represent an anomaly in the history of Magic Circle Jerk posts. This is one of the few times I was genuinely bothered by Steve Brooks. I'm pretty sure there were only two things that actually raised my pulse in regards to Brooks and the Cafe during the time I wrote the site. The first -- as I've mentioned before -- was when the Cafe staff were brainstorming ways to shut down my site and one of the options was to try and report me for child pornography. The monumental cocksucker who suggested this was Cafe staff member, Jon Gallagher. He admitted it was a "long shot," but hey, why not try and get someone arrested on child porn charges because they make fun of your magic message board? Oh, I know, BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING SOCIOPATHIC. But not a single person on the Cafe staff had any issue with that suggestion. 

Anyway, for the most part Steve was just a representation of a lot of what I thought was shitty about magic and especially magic on the internet, but I was rarely ever actually bothered by him. One of the few other times his shit actually offended me was when he made a Cafe announcement about the anniversary of his site and tried to make some connection to 9/11 in order to imply his site was something more substantial than a trash magic message board. As someone who lived in NYC at the time (although I wasn't in the city itself the day it happened) it was particularly foul. So this was one of the few times I was legit grossed out by the guy, and when I called him a "lame, pieceashit, fucking dumpy little bag of cunts," I actually meant it.

Background: In the first paragraph of the following post, I mention a Cafe member named "Harry." Harry is one of Steve Brooks' alter-egos on the Cafe. Feel free to check out this thread to see how blatantly manipulative Steve was with this alternate account. It's a great thread where Steve has a conversation mostly with himself. Here's a tip: when setting up your sock-puppet account, don't respond to it with a fully-formed post at 4 in the morning a scant 3 minutes after you made your initial bogus post. And try to avoid the obvious pattern that Steve employs here. Whenever the thread dies down for a couple of days, well, here's Harry chiming in with some more bullshit to bring the thread back to the top. And I love that he calls himself "Mr. Brooks." That's exactly the type of formality and respect he thinks he deserves, but can only command from himself. I want to remake Fight Club with Steve Brooks and Harry.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I'm Back 

The Magic Cafe celebrated it's 3 year anniversary last week. Steve Brooks sent out a private message to all the members to notify them of this very special day. Then people could add their best wishes to Steve at the end of this PM and there was a whole string of people telling Steve how great the Cafe is and how great he is. It was impressive. But you know, when you think about it, if the Cafe really has 14,565 members it's kind of sad that only a little over 2% of them could manage to write Steve a few lines to tell him how grateful they were for all the hard work he and his staff do. In fact, it's almost like the Cafe has nowhere near that number of actual members. Oh, who am I kidding, Brooks would never attempt to dupe the Cafe members or potential advertisers. (Well, except the time he created his completely fake Cafe member "Harry" to try and sell his products.)

The anniversary message was Steve's typical idiocy. He's such a poor communicator that he should just keep his fucking mouth shut and just sit there and be fat and consider himself The Magic Cafe's mascot. Like the Michelin man or something.

Here's a bit of his trite bullshit, delivered with a mix of detached elitism and faux-folksy good cheer.

"The Café is not for everyone and was never intended to be. That is what makes the internet such a wonderful place, we have the freedom to choose. Some folks cannot function in an atmosphere of civility, while others are ever so grateful for it." 

Oh yes, ever so grateful, I'm sure they are. Listen, Steve, for the last fucking time, I know you want to set yourself up as a martyr to decency and good taste, but here's the truth: The people who dislike your rules don't dislike that you have rules, they dislike the fact that they are applied arbitrarily. Got it? Some people also dislike that you try to set the Cafe up as some philanthropic enterprise -- Magicians Helping Magicians -- but then push Silver Shifter and other shit on the people there. Trying to make money isn't bad, but doing it under the guise of altruism is kind of shitty.

Here's more from Brooks:
 

"Four days after the Café appeared the twin towers were attacked in New York City. I can still recall one of our first members giving our members blow by blow reports as he was watching from his living room window."

First off, is this true? Can someone find me this thread? I'm awed that someone --someone in New York City-- during one of the most somber, frightening, and sad moments of their life (presumably), would be inclined to write about what is going on at Ground Zero on The Magic Cafe. A "blow by blow" account, no less. Not only am I amazed that someone would write that, but who would read it? Are there people whose primary news source is the fucking Magic Cafe?

"PEOPLE OF THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE, AS YOU PREPARE TO DEAL WITH HURRICANE IVAN, BE SURE TO CHECK BACK REGULARLY FOR NEWS AND COMMENTARY FROM DAFFYDOUG."

"For news you can trust, stay with the name you can trust...knockknocktheclown."

And look, I realize it's human nature to try and personalize tragedies, and I also understand that Steve Brooks was looking for any way to make the Cafe seem relevant, but is it really necessary to bring up our greatest national tragedy, whose repercussions we're still dealing with, in a gay magic message board anniversary announcement? Seriously, what a fucking asshole. What a lame, pieceashit, fucking dumpy little bag of cunts this Steve Brooks is.

How much nicer would it have been if he had sent out a message that said simply: "Hey, we're happy to celebrate three years of the Magic Cafe today. I'd like to thank all the people who help me out behind the scenes and all the people who post and make this message board great."

Hmmm, well, that says what it needs to say and it doesn't sound completely disingenuous, self-important, and full of false-modesty like his actual message.

It's not my desire to come here and reprimand Brooks and somehow henryhiggins him into being a decent human being. I'm sure he gets enough of that from his wife every time he rips a fart in front of his in-laws or when she finds him eating margarine with a spoon. But the fact that the guy is so lacking in every significant way does make me wonder how pleasant the Cafe would be if it wasn't run by such an idiot. I'd be ever so grateful for that.

Happy Anniversary Magic Cafe! Love, your friends at The Magic Circle Jerk.

---

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Brooks and 9/11 

(This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.)

Someone (and I don't know if he wants to be named, but we'll call him "my lawyer") has found the thread that Steve Brooks was presumably referring to in his Third Anniversary private message to the Cafe membership when he said...

"A lot has happened since then, the world has changed in oh so many ways and so have we. Four days after the Café appeared the twin towers were attacked in New York City. I can still recall one of our first members giving our members blow by blow reports as he was watching from his living room window."

Now yesterday I implied that I thought Steve might be full of shit and that he was once again lying to the members of his "Cafe" in order to give that site some relevance that it doesn't deserve. Was I right? Well, let's see. Is this the thread that Brooks was mentioning? Read it.

Now, if Steve's emoticons are to be believed, he was very angry and very sad on 9/11. But three years later he was comfortable enough with the whole situation to lie about things that never happened on that day. Or as "My Lawyer" puts it:

Note that nobody is giving a "blow by blow"; Brooks himself says he's watching it on TV, and three days later MagicMan says he can still see the smoke. 

I can see how somebody could confuse "one of our first members" with himself, and "blow by blow account" with "nearly three days later." Sure I can. Can't you?
 

There are those of you who think I'm a bad guy--those of you who think Brooks is a victim. Perhaps you can forgive his shady business practices, self-righteous attitude, and his unending assault on elastic waistbands everywhere. Well just remember how your buddy Brooks tried to capitalize on the death of a few thousand people to make himself and his shitty website seem more important. You may think he's a good guy, you may be happy to take hours out of your week to correct people's grammar for him on the Cafe, but I don't have a whole lot of respect for someone who, for personal gain, tries to draw some correlation between this country's greatest tragedy (9/11) and a tragedy that is clearly a distant second (the establishment of The Magic Cafe).