I'm bummed that I can't find the actual ad that the posts below were talking about because you probably won't believe it actually existed, but it did. It was an ad for a plastic wine bottle that split open down the middle and inside were a bunch of cheap plastic magic tricks. And the ad implied that maybe you could introduce this bottle of wine into some romantic evening and then bust out the magic tricks to win the heart and genitals of some lady who had caught your fancy.
It was ridiculous. Magic, in the best of circumstances, is a turn-off as frequently as it's a turn-on. And that's even more true for tricks you find on the same spinning rack as the joy-buzzers and snapping gum. The only possible way this bottle of cheap tricks might get you laid is if you knocked someone unconscious with it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Gentlemen, Start Your Penises
If you've read this site for any length of time, you know that I am a big believer that nothing gets your more pussy than a well done magic trick. Let's be honest, the days of the "bad boy" and the "tanned Adonis with rippling muscles" are over. The modern gal wants more than just a snazzy dresser. Today's woman is looking for a guy with a pocketful of close-up tricks. Did I say a pocketful? I meant a bottleful!!! Wheeeee!!!!
I want to thank Nate Marsh, who I'm sure understands the aphrodisiac powers of a well placed paddle-move as much as I do, for sending along the link to this site [2015: It's dead now, don't bother] It's a bunch of plastic tricks in a plastic bottle! But that's not all. These tricks are the types of tricks that get you laid! And just in time for Valentine's Day! Let me quote the ad:
"Do you have your eye on someone special? Now is your chance to impress them with your seduction magic. They will melt like butter when you wow them with your razzle dazzle."
And really, what woman wouldn't "melt like butter" when you seductively pull out some gozinta boxes or a plastic brainteaser. Women love brainteasers! It's like Spanish Fly to them.
After you perform the imp bottle you can say, "I know something else that won't lay down all night." Then whip out your cock and spray your load into her mouth (her mouth will still be agape from all the mind-blowing tricks you've shown her). She won't mind. She'll thank you for it!
The most amazing thing about this though is the price! There's no way they should be able to get away with charging just $15 for what is nothing less than a blow-job generating machine. I mean, the women are going to be lined up for you when you perform these tricks. No doubt. Seriously, if you get this set and perform these awesome tricks when you're done you're going to be like, "Baby, is your refrigerator on the fritz? What's that buzzing sound?" And she'll be like, "That's my clit, you animal! You're driving me crazy! And now it's time for you finish the job your magic ball and vase started!"
What I don't understand is, why this is legal when the date-rape drug isn't? Doesn't it amount to the same thing?
I'm going to break this thing open tonight and perform some of the effects for that someone special I have my eye on. I'll let you know how it goes over tomorrow!
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Sally arrived at 8:30 last night. She was wearing a tight, knee-length, black skirt, with a slit up the side and a small, low-cut red top. This was the first time I'd seen her outside of the gym, and while I'd always known she had a beautiful body, seeing her raven-black hair freed from the workout ponytail I normally saw it in, spilling down her back, is what made my heart truly skip a beat.
I pulled her chair out for her and we sat down to the dinner I had made(shrimp scampi). After the first bite her hand went to her chest as if reaching for an invisible locket hanging from her necklace. "My god," she said, "this is the greatest food I've ever tasted. You made this?"
I nodded. "I'm glad you like it."
"It's incredible. I'm really impressed," she said.
Throughout dinner we talked about our lives, our jobs, and our interests. I was charming without being sycophantic, witty without being vulgar, and flirty without being lecherous. She was a wonderful conversationalist, punctuating her remarks with a gentle laugh or a flirty batting of her eyelashes.
After dessert (tiramisu) we went to the living room, settling into the couch in front of the warm glow of the fire. She sat in the middle and I sat on the end, slightly turned in towards her, my arm resting on the back of the couch. After more conversation she moved herself closer to me, her skirt shifted up a couple of inches in the process. My eyes glanced at her tanned thighs that were almost exposed, she caught me looking, I gave a sheepish grin and she smiled in return. We both got quiet for a moment then, while tracing lines on my arm, she said in a quiet voice...
"I'm so happy I came here tonight. I was hesitant at first because I knew so little about you, but my roommate Cindy urged me to come. And I couldn't be happier that I did. This is one of the most beautiful, most perfect evenings I've ever had. I haven't laughed this much or been this interested in someone in a very long time. So thank you. That being said, I hope the night doesn't have to end anytime soon."
Her hand slid up my arm to my shoulder then through my hair as she pulled my head towards her. Just before our lips met I said, "Could you excuse me for a moment." She looked a little disturbed and perhaps embarrassed, wondering if I was turned off by something she had said.
When I returned with the "bottle of wine" the smile returned to her face. "You know," she said, "this really is turning out to be the perfect evening."
"It's not what you think," I said.
I took the bottle and cracked it over my head allowing all the tricks to spill out. "Wheeeeee! Hooray! Do you want to see some magic? Come here, look. Lay down bottle. Look, I can make it lay down, can you? Nope, didn't think you could. Got a penny? Here, I got one. I'll put it in this plastic drawer, close the drawer, and now it's gone. Where'd it go? I don't know! It's MAGIC!"
She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I was so enthralled with the magic that the next thing I remember is the sound of her car starting up outside as I shoved the plastic nails through the little plastic container with the plastic coin inside.