Gardyloo #73

I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback on my posts on the “Five Causes” from this week and last week. While I appreciate hearing when people find something I’ve written to be valuable, when I get too much positive feedback my mind starts to think, “Time to write something really stupid.”

This is weird.

So, as you know, I’m a huge fan of erotic fiction. It combines my two greatest loves: masturbating and bad writing.

I was reading an ebook the other day about an erotic detective. He was investigating the murderer of a wealthy business tycoon. The murderer had shot his wad all over the victim’s face after he died. (They know it was post-mortem because there was no semen in the lungs.) But the investigation was complicated because the victim’s lover had also shot his wad on the man’s lower back earlier that evening.

There were two suspects who were paraded pants-less in front of the detective. One was 7 feet tall, the other was a little person. Their bodies were completely different, especially in the genital area. One was the victim’s lover, the other his killer. But nobody knew which suspect was which. The detective knew if he could match up the suspects to the “deposits” they left on the man’s body, he would know who was who. And without even looking at the evidence, the detective just reached back and felt the two puddles of ejaculate and was able to identify the killer.

The detective’s apprentice begged the detective to tell him how he did it. The detective said that due to the size difference in the suspect’s testicles, he just needed to compare the volume of the semen puddles to know which person had left which deposit. “Don’t fret, should you ever face a similar situation in the future, my dear boy. It’s elementary. Due to the unavoidable size difference in the balls, you’ll be able to distinguish the two wads without looking.”

I was really blown away by this beautiful prose, but something felt very… familiar about it.

I rushed to my magic library and began flipping through pages and pages of books and magazines.

Days later I had found it. In a trick called Paper Balls in MAGIC Magazine.

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There it was. In the method description as written by MAGIC Magazine trick editor, Joshua Jay…

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There it was! Someone was ripping off Joshua Jay’s trick descriptions and using his words to create erotic fiction!

Here’s where it gets really strange.

I looked up the author of the ebook, Professor Harry Dingus (probably a pseudonym, I assumed), and here is the picture that came up.


Look… I’m not seeing things, am I? That’s Joshua Jay, right?

Can you believe he’s recycling his old magic write-ups to get sickos like me off with his erotic ebooks? That’s some crazy shit.

Reader, D.C. sent me a bunch of screenshots of some guy flipping out in the Digital Force Bag facebook group because they announced they won’t be providing future updates for the Android app. The subject of the email was, “Can I do it with dominoes?” Which is a quote from something I said once: “Honestly, just get an iPhone if you're a magician. It makes things so much easier. iPhone is the phone of magic. Saying, "Can I do it on Android?" is like watching a card trick and saying, "Can I do it with dominoes?”

That’s kind of flippant, I know. And I meant it more as a joke than a proper analogy. But seriously, just get an iPhone. I mean, if your priority is doing magic with your phone, get an iPhone. If your priority is to make a statement about what brand or operating system you use, or you need an Android for some other purpose, I understand, but you can’t get worked up if you get left behind on the magic app scene.

Yes, there will be a learning curve if you switch over. But it’s the same sort of learning curve you face going from Apple to Android. All the phones are pretty easy to use these days, it just takes a couple days to reorient yourself to the operating system.

But Android is 85% of the marketplace and I shouldn’t have to get a new phone and I’ll never buy an Apple product and people who like that company are a cult and-

Ah-buh-buh-buh-buh… stop it, sweetie. Calm down. This is no way to go through life, getting worked up about this stuff. Yes, Android owns a large part of the phone market. But they don’t own such a large part of the “expensive app” market (and magic apps tend to be relatively expensive due to the narrow group of the population they’re aimed at). Use your brain. I can’t say I understand all the nuances of this, but I can assume app developers aren’t avoiding making Android apps because they hate money. They’re doing so because there are, apparently, factors that make it not cost effective. Being a pain in the ass about it is probably not going to help get more apps for Android.

Frankly, I’d rather peel my dick like a banana than be a magic app creator. Having to deal with people complaining about why the app isn’t 99 cents and why isn’t it available for every OS and why haven’t you anticipated every potential way someone might want to use it. And then you have to keep up with the technological changes and updates to the OS to keep it working. I appreciate that anyone even bothers with it, because it seems… not fun.

But here’s something that is fun. Take your DFB app and make a list called Sex Location Wishlist. And fill it with the most exotic locations you can come up with: On the side of the pyramids in Egypt, On the moon, On top of the Empire State Building.

Now you’re out with your friend at Arby’s, enjoying a large Jamocha Shake. You mention the list you’re creating of places you want to make love before you die. You have her name a number as your next target location. You go to the list and she scrolls down to her number, past entries like, “In zero gravity,” “On top of the Great Wall of China,” “On the 50-yard line during the Super Bowl.”

She gets to her number and it says, “In a booth at Arby’s.”

“Well, no time like the present,” you say, unzipping your pants.