MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Two - Stank On Your Hang-low

One of the more common topics that I wrote about on the MCJ blog was the idea of using magic to pick up women. This topic is an evergreen, but back in the mid-2000s, with the rise of the "pick-up artist" scene, it was particularly popular on the Cafe and in other online forums. 

In the intervening years I have determined that yes, you can definitely use magic to attract women just not in the way any of you knuckleheads have tried. I have a few routines that I've created that have, unintentionally, turned someone who wasn't particularly interested in me into someone who was. And I have one routine in particular that is more powerful than roofies in the "getting you laid" department. I may one day release that routine to like five people but I'll want to do a background check first because I genuinely wouldn't want it in some asshole's hands. The moment I figured out what it was doing I stopped performing it unless I was doing so for someone I already knew was interested in me. 

I will give you this bit of advice if you're looking to use magic to attract women. Do not try to do something impressive. Do not try to do something romantic. Do something that hints at an unknown and inexplicable connection you share with that person. Hints goddammit. Don't beat them over the head with it. Don't be like, "There's no way I could find your card... unless we were soulmates." In fact, forget it. You're going to fuck this up.

You're probably better off following the advice below. The advice there is legit, but when I painted the scenario, my tongue was in my cheek. And if you follow that advice, your tongue will be in-between a couple cheeks as well. Her butt-cheeks. Hellz yeah.

What's interesting to me about this post (and this is my first time reading these things in 12 years) is seeing the nascent stages of some of the ideas I've talked about on this site. Specifically I see the beginnings of the Distracted Artist presentation as well as ideas that have become more defined in my mind regarding people whose only interest in magic is what they can get from it (which, let's be honest, is 98% of you). 

Without further ado...

Friday, December 05, 2003

Ask the Jerk

Dear Jerk:

In your very first post on this site you indicate that magic is not a good tool for seducing women. Yet in the same post you say that magic could possibly be "sexy." As far as I'm concerned, anything that can be sexy can also be used for the seduction of women. How do you reconcile these statements, and how do you go about making magic "sexy"?

Never Been Laid

Dear NBL,

Let me take the long route to answering your question.

I believe people get into magic for two reasons. Neither of these are, "I love magic!" If you really enjoyed magic the last thing you would do is study it, because the very act of studying it takes all the magic out of magic. Now, I don't mean this in the same way that people say, "You shouldn't dissect poetry because that takes all the beauty out of it!" Which isn't true at all, you can tear a poem apart word by word, consider the author's motivations and the poem in its historical context and after all that still find it to be beautiful. On the other hand, when you dissect the workings of a magic effect, it ceases to be very magical. So people who really love the experience of magic may study the performers of magic, or the history of magic, but I don't believe they get into the performing of magic.

Another reason people don't get into magic is to "further the art." You can decide to pursue songwriting because you think you have something to add to the body of written songs. But you can't get into performing magic for a similar reason, because you'd have no idea how you could further the art of magic until you have some understanding of how magic works.

So what are the two types of people who get into magic?

The first type of person who begins to perform magic is the type of person who wants to know the secrets. This person has an unrelenting curiosity and doesn't care about the "art of magic" or anything of the sort. He wants to know secrets so he's able to say he knows them and if he performs tricks at all, he performs them to show how clever he is.

The second type of person who begins to perform magic is the loser. He can't craft a joke. He can't hold an interesting conversation. People avoid him. He's probably unattractive and feels left out all the time. People avoid him because he's a bore. Maybe he wears suspenders, a fedora and a bowtie because people thought it was really interesting that first time he did it, but after that, it's just kind of lame. So this person is drawn to magic because it can do something for him, it can make people pay attention to him in a way they never paid attention before. Magic is inherently interesting because it's the act of doing the impossible, so people will watch some geek perform magic if only for the satisfaction of being able to say "You stupid geek. I saw how you did that."

Now, over time, the majority of that first group will give up magic because it's no longer interesting to them and they'll move on to something else. A very small percentage of them will grow a love for the performance of magic and continue performing. These people become the performers we look at and say, "Wow, that guy's great."

The second group, however, will always continue performing because magic will always be the crutch they lean on. It's very hard to learn how to be interesting and charismatic, but it's very easy to learn to do something interesting. So once this group of geeks discover magic, they stay with it for a lifetime.

This is how the magic population comes to be 1% intriguing, interesting, intelligent performers and 99% complete fucking geeks.

These geeks are users of magic. What can magic get me? Can I use it to break the ice at a party? Can I use it to help me get this job? Can I use it to get girls?

No. No you can't, Fatty McShitstains. Girls like a man who has interests and skills that complement his personality, not a man whose interests and skills are a substitution for a personality. 

So that is why I said magic wasn't a good tool for seducing women, because the guys who would want to use magic to get a girl are the same guys that girls avoid on general principle. 

The second part of your question asks how to make magic sexy. You do this in the same way you make anything sexy: Do it perfectly and do it effortlessly. If you can perform something that looks incredibly difficult (even though it may be technically easy) and do it in a way that makes it seem like you're not stressing at all, that will be sexy. Think of guitar players. If a guy can play guitar and just flow with it and be cool, he has to beat the pussy away with a stick. But a guy who has to check the fretboard between every chord change and takes half a minute getting his fingering right is usually singing to himself. 

So let's put this into a magic scenario for you, NBL.

Go to a decent hotel and rent a room.

Go down to the hotel bar with a stacked deck of cards. Order a drink with no alcohol, you might be here a while and you need to maintain your poise. Casually watch the bar tv, engage in some light banter with fellow customers, or just enjoy the music. At some point pick up the deck as if it was just sitting there and you didn't bring it yourself, and do a one-handed, intricate looking, flowing, flourish. Nothing complicated (don't do some crazy cut where there's so many packets you're forced to hold one under your chin or something, you're supposed to look cool for christ's sake). Do something you can do over and over again without messing up the stack. But don't draw any attention to yourself doing it, just do it right on top of the bar or even at your side. Don't even pay attention to it yourself, continue watching tv or whatever. This is just a casual tic of yours. Some people swirl their drink, some people tap their fingers on the table, and you do this little flourish.

Eventually someone will say something about it. Wait until that someone is female. And then steer the conversation in this direction:

"That's kind of neat," she says. (Or words to that effect)

"Hmm? Oh this? Oh, that's just a habit of mine. I don't even know I do it usually."

"It looks interesting."

"Oh, it's just something I picked up. There was a time in my life when my income relied on me spending a great deal of time around playing cards. You kind of pick up all sorts of little tricks."

(This line sounds very mysterious, like you're some international gambler. Women dig mysterious guys.)

"Really? Can you show me anything?"

(See, you get her to ask you to show her something. This will make the magic somewhat seductive because it's something she's asked you for now.)

"Well sure, let me think if I remember anything." 

(You immediately agree which shows her you're receptive and friendly, but then you act like you can't think of anything which makes her think you're not some geek who sits around practicing card tricks.)

Then you say, "Well, we can try this."

And you go into this simple trick. Have her cut the deck and take out a card while you turn your head. Tell her to look at it and hold the card close against her so you can't see it. (Don't say "Hold it against your heart." That's corny). When you turn back put the deck together and set it aside and determine what card she is holding (via the stack).

Then turn to her and say, "Don't say a word. I'm just going to look at you and nothing more and I'm going to be able to tell you what card you took."

Stare into her eyes for a good ten seconds, it will feel like a long time to stare into a stranger's eyes. It is. After ten seconds break eye contact and look away and say, "Don't say anything. This is hard, but I really want to get it for you." Again, this is something you're doing "for her," this isn't some lame trick you're dragging out for attention, this is something for her. For a second time look into her eyes, hold it for even longer this time, 20 seconds or so. Then close your eyes for a beat longer than a blink and open them, look at her, very gently tense the muscles you would use for smiling so you'll have the tiniest smirk and then say:

"This isn't easy. I noticed you the moment you walked in here and I was trying not to stare then, because I know beautiful women get that all the time. And so now looking at you, it's almost impossible to concentrate on some ridiculous card trick. So here is what I propose. Don't say a word. I'm in room 216. I'm going to leave the bar and I want you to join me upstairs in five minutes. No pressure here. This is an invitation. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to romance you. I don't want to nurture you. I just want to take you and fuck you until your molars rattle."

Get up to go. Don't take the deck.

"And the card is the 8 of diamonds." 


Go back to your room and wash your face, my friend, because that girl's going to need a place to sit!