Dirty App Magic

From time to time, I like to do magic with... adult themes. And no, I don't mean sophisticated, mature subject matter, like... I don't know...referring to Forgetful Freddy as Forgetful Frederick and using him to tell a sober tale about early onset dementia. (Although that is the subject of my submission for the Sundance Film Festival.)

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I'm talking about sex, baby!

Now, statistics would tell us that if you're reading this, you're probably a magician, and if you're a magician, you're likely a creep. You're probably one of those weird dudes who is so timid and shy around women that you can't put your arm around them in a friendly manner...


But this doesn't come across as someone who is being respectful of boundaries. It comes across as someone who is so uncomfortable and awkward around other people that they can't differentiate between a casual, friendly gesture and an act of deep intimacy. And this is why women avoid you because they know if they are affable towards you in any way you'll interpret that as a declaration of undying love and then you'll bury a fucking hatchet in their skull for "leading you on" when they don't return your affection. "She wished me a happy birthday on facebook and then two days later she goes on a date with Troy? That manipulative bitch!" No. You're a creepy spazz.

The good news is that while that describes a lot of the dudes I've met in the magic world, I've weeded most of them out of the reader pool for this site by championing a style of performing where you shun credit. "This guy's an idiot," they think, "I got into magic for credit and validation, why would I give that up?" So they're likely long gone from this site.

I'm mentioning this because the two ideas that follow involve a "sexual" presentation. I can get away with them because of my confidence and boyish charms. But if you're not 100% sure you can pull off such a presentation without weirding people out, I would avoid these ideas.

Also, if you're someone who flips out because I use dirty words sometimes, beat it. 

Both of the ideas use magic apps that have found a permanent spot on my phone. The methods are obvious if you own the apps.

Call Me By Your Name (for the Xeno app)

"That reminds me," I say, "I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but back in junior high, I was practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and the shower rod I was hanging from broke and I smashed my head against the tile wall. Ever since then I've had an unusual type of sexual ESP. I'll show you."

On Monday I said that I don't like presentations of "skill" whether real (card flourishes) or just presentational ("I can memorize the deck in 10 seconds."). But if the skill itself is wholly fantastical, then I have no issue with that, because it doesn't give the audience any potential answers.

Also, when I say, "that reminds me," I will do that after they say anything. The less related to the subject, the better.

I have them go to a site with the 100 most popular boy or girl names, depending on what they're into. They scroll through the site and think of any name there. 

I tell them I'm going to have them imagine a romantic encounter with a person with this name, and I will be able to intuit what the name is.

I have them create an image of this person in their mind (for the sake of this description, they're thinking of a guy) and I ask them a couple questions. "About how tall would you say he is?" "What kind of job do you think he'd have?" "What's his most attractive physical feature?" 

"Hmmm... okay, okay, okay," I say, as if my mind is processing this information. "I'm beginning to get the picture."

"Okay, so imagine you've had a few dates with this person, and at the end of one of those dates he takes you home and you invite him in. You have a couple of drinks and things are getting pretty romantic. You head off to your bedroom."

I then paint a portrait with words of their sexual rendezvous that—depending on the person I'm doing this for—will be somewhere between a "PG-13 romantic encounter" and a "XXX Justice Potter Stewart 'I know it when I see it' hardcore pornography fuck-fest."

As I wrap it up my description of this encounter I'll say, "I can see it," and stare off into the distance, and reach out with my hands like a psychic in a bad movie. "Yes, yes. There you are. He's on top of you. Pounding away like a jackhammer. And you're saying...  you're saying...I can just barely hear it over the sound of slapping skin... you're saying... 'Harder... faster... Charles!'"

Of course there I say the name they're merely thinking of.

I look at them as if the power of this vision has overwhelmed me. "You're insatiable!" I say.

The Fuck-It List (for the DFB App)

I'm out with some friends and I turn to one of them, Amanda, and I say, "I've been making a list of things I'd like to do with you."

"Huh?" she says.

"I made a list of 100 things we should do together. Pick a number between 1 and 100."

"Uh, okay. Twelve." 

I turn on my phone and give it to my friend Justin and ask him to open up the notes app for me. "There's a list on there called Activities for Me and Amanda, can you tell me what number 12 is?"

He goes to the list and scrolls down to number 12.

"A friendly hug," he says.

"Oh," I say, obviously disappointed. "Oh... well that's... fun. Sure." I get up and give Amanda a hug. "Maybe we can do that again sometime," I say. "I mean, you can pick a different number. Not another hug." Meanwhile, Justin has started cracking up.

"What is it?" Amanda asks and grabs the phone. She looks at the list. Yes, at #12 it says, "A friendly hug," but the other 99 items on the list are all sexual acts ranging from the mildly filthy to the downright deviant (if not criminal).

I shyly mumble, "Or we could do it again now if you want... pick another number or whatever." 

She laughs looking over the list, "Ooh... number #42 definitely," she says, eyeing me seductively. 

I jump across the table, knocking shit over, in order to get a peek at what she's suggesting.

"Oral sex while shitting!? You filthy slut!"

This is, as many of you will recognize, a variation on Andy Nyman's Dice Man trick, but without the need for dice and cards. And it's a billion times dirtier and not appropriate for some audiences.

If you have to ask, "I wonder if [Person X] would be okay with this trick?" The answer is probably "no." 

I'm fortunate enough that the people I hang out with don't get all bothered by something that's obviously done in fun, no matter how dirty it is. But your audiences may differ.

I've never done it one-on-one with someone. Only in a small group so the other people's reaction to the list builds up and then my target spectator gets to see the list. 

Here's the list of 100 activities I came up with for this. Some of them aren't fully described because then you have the fun of explaining what it means when someone says, "What's an 'Angry Dragon'?" or whatever.

Reverse Cowgirl
Bestiality (general)
Necrophilia (general)
Bukkake party
Genitals in Boiling Oil
Ass Paddling
Dry Anal
Fist-fuck (to the wrist)
Fist-fuck (to the elbow)
Fist-fuck (to the shoulder)
Double fist-fuck
Sandpaper Condom
Threesome with Dog
Toothy Oral
HIV Roulette
Donkey Punch
Genital Chomping
Genital Stomping
Clothespins on Nipples
Jumper Cables on Nipples
Curb-Stomp at Orgasm
The Double Cosby
Poke in Eye with Dick
Golden Shower (give)
Golden Shower (receive)
Shit in Mouth
Staple Ass-cheeks Together
Nipple Removal
Strap-on Play
Baseball Bat to the Groin
Female Genital Mutilation
Genital Binding
Roleplay (Teacher and Student)
Roleplay (Grandma and Grandson)
Roleplay (Mick Jagger and David Bowie)
Trumpet Mouthpiece in Anus
Face Slapping
Oral Sex While Shitting
Cum Swapping
Make a Baby and Raise it to Age 18
Oral Teabagging
Anal Teabagging
Fart in Face
Ass to Ass
Dirty Sanchez
Set Pubes on Fire
Hot Karl
Dual Autofellatio
Pearl Necklace
Foot Job
Face Fucking
Fecal Freaking
Stump Play
Naked Jello Wrestling
Naked Mud Wrestling
Double Penetration
All Holes
Anal Bead Ripcord
Total Body Hair Removal
Ass to Mouth
Ass Fingering
Tease and Denial
Nude Lapdance
Mutual Masturbation
Enema Play
Face Sitting
Sex Swing
Fucking Machine
Visit Swinger's Club
Make Amateur Porno
Make Snuff Film
Duo Erotic Asphyxation
Titty Twister
An Erotic Hug
Full Body Nude Massage
Snort Coke Off Tits
Scat Play
Angry Dragon