Happy 4th of July, Americans! 

And happy 4th of July to everyone else as well, I mean, it's still the 4th of July for you too. What's that? You're in Ethiopia and follow the Oromo calendar? Well... I feel foolish. Happy Gidada of Wacabajjii to you.

Saturday! In the park! I think it was the Gidada of Wacabajjii!

I'm working on the poster for my big stage show. Just trying to nail down the artist who's going to do my portrait. I'm thinking of going with the theme of imps whispering the secrets of magic to me. But mine is going to be more realistic because you'll see an imp in my ear and I'll be frantically scribbling down how to do a false transfer with a sponge ball or how to construct a mirror base or whatever he's telling me on a clipboard.

I mean, in most of these posters the magicians could not seem less fucking interested. Look at this guy, he's practically saying, "Ugh, I get it! Enough with the whispering already. And will you please be careful with my incense burner? That's not a toy, you guys!"

And then there's this poor sap. This image seems to depict a half-second after he realized the "imp" that was whispering in his ear is really a guy named Teddy, a power-bottom he found on Craigslist one night when his wife was out of town. "I'm happily married, Teddy. I'm not a homo. I despise homos. I was only experimenting. It was supposed to be a one night thing. What? Yes... I do like how you're styling your mustache now. It's very... sensual. NO! Go now, Teddy. Go far, far away. This relationship is not appropriate for an eminent magician."

My poster will be different than all the other ones in the history of magic because in my poster one of the imps will be whispering straight into my butthole. I think it's more realistic that way because there are probably some stupid imps too. Like imps that don't understand anatomy. And when you first see it, you'll probably laugh. But then you'll look more closely at the imp's face and it will be clear he thinks he has something really important to tell me, but I'll never know because he picked the wrong orifice. And then you'll imagine the imp eagerly watching my show later in the evening with an excited smile on his face that, over the course of the show, becomes weaker and weaker as he begins to realize I'm not going to take whatever advice it is he was trying impart. And as the show closes he just sits there staring blankly, his eyes welling up, while around him the other imps laugh and curse and stuff and he thinks, "He doesn't value my input. He ignored everything I said." And then my poster won't seem so funny anymore. In fact, it will seem a little sad. Which will be good because that's the kind of emotional journey I expect people to go on when they see my show too.