The Time Traveler's Toilet

This is sort of a bookend piece to go along with my last post. That post dealt with a trick that occurred on the edge of the majestic ocean. It's a conceptually beautiful trick, but one most of you will never do. I know my audience. I think this dumb little trick at the other end of the sewage system might be more your speed.


Your friend is over to watch a movie or something. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. You come back a few minutes later nonchalantly eating a soaking wet cupcake, your eyes on the tv. Your friend stares at you gnawing on this sloppy cupcake. You notice him looking, give him a head nod, say, "Whattup?" and take a big bite as cupcake juice drips down your chin.

"What the fuck is that?" your friend asks.

"Huh? Oh this? Cupcake. Wait... didn't I tell you about my toilet? I thought... hmm.... no... maybe that was Toby. Here I'll show you."

You take him into the bathroom and lift up the cover of the toilet tank. "Looks normal, right?" He agrees. "Yeah, but check this out. Hmm... do you have to take a shit or anything? Actually, I know what will work." 

You go get a deck of cards, he chooses one, you give him the chance to change his mind. You have him fold the card in half and tear it, then in quarters, then in eighths. Then you have him drop the pieces in the toilet. "Wait," you say as you plunge your hand in the toilet, "hold onto this piece." Your friend goes full-on Steve Harvey, but you just ignore it, jab the piece in his pocket and press on.

You flush the torn card away.

"Check it out. A couple weeks ago I drop a deuce in this toilet, and when I go to flush it, I notice it doesn't flush properly; the water keeps running. So I look in the toilet tank and what do I see in there? A cupcake is preventing the flap from closing. But not just any cupcake. The exact same cupcake that I had eaten the day before. So I'm all, 'Sweet, free cupcake.' And scarf that thing down, the next day the same thing happens. The cupcake's back. And it's happened every day for like two weeks. I'll be honest, it's a little less good each time it goes through the cycle. Like a copy of a copy of a copy of a VHS tape. But it's definitely still edible. And it doesn't just happen with the cupcake. Everything I flush down this toilet goes back in time like 24 hours and appears in the tank. I swear on my child's life this is true."

"I'll show you. You chose a card. I gave you the chance to change your mind. You ripped it up. We flushed everything down except for one piece. Look in the tank."

And when he does, there is a mostly restored card floating there. It matches his selection and the missing piece fits perfectly.

Now it's time for you to go full Steve Harvey.

A little while later you ask him if he wants to order dinner. "If not, I'm brewing up a little eggplant parm from last night which should be ready in 45 minutes or so," you say and pat your belly.


This is the type of trick that screams force unless you have a perfect force, which I happen to have with the Reverse Psychology Force.

Go into your bathroom with a Hostess cupcake and a duplicate of the card you're going to force. Take the card and rip off an eighth of the card; an index corner works best. Place the rest of the card so it's pinched between the toilet tank and the toilet lid. The picture below shows a slightly exposed view.

With the card in this position, you can lift off the cover and show the tank empty by holding the card up against the lid. And when you put it back you can let the card drop off into the tank, secretly loading it for the restoration/appearance.

Keep the torn corner in your pocket.

Take your Hostess cupcake and run it under the faucet until it soaks up a bunch of water. You're going to eat this. It's disgusting? Yes, I know it's disgusting. But it's just a wet cupcake, don't get all bent out of shape about it. Suffer for your art, for once.

Walk back into the other room eating your soggy cupcake. Wait for your friend to comment on it. Bring him into the bathroom to explain your amazing toilet. Lift the lid and show him the normal toilet tank. Replace the lid, letting the duplicate fall into the tank in the process. Go get a deck of cards. Force the matching card. Allow him to fold and tear up the card while you get the duplicate corner in finger palm. Let him dump the pieces in the toilet. Reach in and grab at the pieces, secretly bringing out the finger-palmed piece. If you're grossed out by this, clean your toilet bowl you fucking scumbag. Your fingers briefly touching clean water in a spotless toilet bowl shouldn't freak you out so much, Howie Mandel. Make your spectator take the piece you apparently plucked from the bowl. Flush the toilet. Allow your friend to lift the tank cover and discover the restored card and match up the missing piece. The End.