The Karnival Assassins Deck
"I saw an ad for Ed Hardy shirts in Maxim magazine in 2006. I haven't paid much attention, but I'm pretty sure that's still a popular look for non-douchebags, right? These skulls? These guns? Thats totally my style. I'm like a well-dressed skeleton with a tommy-gun. Am I bad? Maybe a little. Am I evil? Hey, you said it not me. Yeah, maybe I'm a little dangerous. What can I say?.... MOM! What the fuck? You forgot to get me pizza rolls, you bitch! You never forget to get stuff when Kurt asks you to!"
The Physique Deck
"The human body is nature's most elegant creation. The perfect intersection of form and function. It is, without a doubt, the strongest evidence of a creator that we have..... I'm just goofin'. I masturbate to my deck of cards."
Bicycle Elegance Deck
"I accept only the finest things in life. Like a Donald Trump Signature Collection Necktie. Do I have a small penis? What would make you say that? Overcompensating? I don't know what you mean. No, I'm just dumb enough to think that gold as a color (not just as a metal) suggests some measure of intrinsic value. I guess I am an idiot. And yes, I do have a small penis."
Black Americana Deck
"The rich cultural history that is embodied in these, aww fuck it, I just hate coons."
The Bicycle Starlight Deck
"I was blinded by a man who threw acid in my face. On a completely separate note, these cards are probably very beautiful, right? They're advertised as a having 'a glorious abyss of glowing stars' on the reverse side. They do, right? They don't just have some technicolor vomit swirl on the back, do they? That would be the worst thing that ever happened to me if they did. And I'm a guy who got acid thrown in his face."