86 the Chef's Special

What the hell happened to the Guest of Honor/Chef's Special area of the Cafe? I have not been paying attention, and apparently no one else has either because that place is a desolate wasteland. Remember when they had Derren Brown and David Williamson and people like that? This was back in 2003-2005 when I was keeping that place relevant with MCJ. Well, Brooksy, I apologize. I'm going to do what I can to inject some life into your site, but it might be too far gone now. Seriously, the slide in quality is stunning. I can't even think of something analogous. It would be as if you ran a site devoted to super heroes and one year you're interviewing Batman and Captain America, then 5 years later you're interviewing The Wonder Twins in the form of a bucket of water and a raccoon, and then 5 years after that you're interviewing an actual bucket of water and a raccoon.

Steve, you know nothing is stopping you from just canning that section right? Put it out of it's misery. Actually, make me the Guest of Honor for a week, and then put it down.

The best thing to almost happen during one of these Chef Special weeks was when Tyler Wilson was the guest in 2010. Below is a transcript of emails between Tyler and I as we planned a revelation that never came to be.

June 28th, 2010 - Tyler Wilson to MCJ

'Sup, sexy?

I have officially sold what was left of my atheist soul by agreeing to be the special guest on the Cafe. Yes, you read that right. I won't make excuses; I just released a book and now I need to sell a shitload of them. But none of that changes the fact that I will gladly shit on the hand that feeds me.


Any ideas for how I can spice up the week a little bit? I don't mind being the first V.I.P. to not make it the full week before getting kicked off.

July 6th, 2010 - MCJ to Tyler Wilson

Hey there babydoll.

What a surprise. I was just at the Cafe and saw that you were going to be the “Chef Special for July.” I came here to bust your balls and I see that you have made a pre-emptive defense. But there is no need. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to utilize the café to shill your stuff. That place isn’t nearly as annoying as it was when I started my site 7(holy fuck) years ago. Or at least Steve Brooks is less-so because he’s not as visible (except from space – bing bong FAT JOKES!). But there’s still enough other screwballs on that site. 

I'll try to come up with some shenanigans for your tenure there, but I’m out of practice. I wonder if Brooks knows you used a quote from my site on the book-jacket of your first book? Well, David Regal uses my review on his site and he seems to be welcome there. So you should be fine.

 Good luck with the book. I will be ordering my copy soon.

July 21st, 2010 - Tyler Wilson to MCJ

Hey You,
If you want to see your name on the Cafe and a mild attack on their do-no-wrong poster boy, Scott Guinn, check out these threads before they're gone:



They're subtle, but I can see town from here, and I'm more than willing to go to it.

July 21st, 2010 - MCJ to Tyler Wilson

Nice. I think maybe it's time for you to make a post where you confess to being the author of the Magic Circle Jerk blog. I mean, if you really want to get the boot before you go. You can go on and on about how terrible you feel and make it super apologetic and full of shit like, "I was young and thought that stuff was funny and I was trying to get people to like me." Then write something like, "Perhaps the worst thing I did in my time writing that hateful blog was hold a contest where I encouraged people to write erotic fan fiction about the staff of the Magic Cafe in exchange for a set of Todd Lassen gimmicked coins that he had donated. Just so you have some idea how awful that blog was, here was one of the submissions," And then I'll find the most vile of the submissions and you can post it there, or link to it somewhere.

July 21st, 2010 - Tyler Wilson to MCJ

Hey Cutie,

Let's do it up!

I hope you realize I'm going to have a LOT of explaining to do! Not to the Cafe, I couldn't give two shits. But to my friends. I have been accused of being the MCJ on numerous occasions. When I point out that you are a) funny as fuck, and b) disturbingly brilliant, they quickly realize that it couldn't be me. So I might as well start writing a form email letter right now.

I'm out of my house right now, so I wouldn't be able to post it until I get home later tonight, so as long as they haven't closed the forums by then (today's the last day), I'll put it up right away.

Shit, I can't wait to see how this whole thing turns out!

Thanks, whoever the fuck you are.

[Ed. Note: At that point I sent Tyler a copy of the story Ipecac by Jason Wethington about a Cafe staff gangbang.]

July 22nd, 2010 - Tyler Wilson to MCJ

Oh man, I am so choked. They closed the forums down super early yesterday. I got home at 10:00pm, but they had locked them down hours earlier. Fuck! I was soooooo looking forward to dropping that bomb all night long. I was fuckin' ancy, and I don't get ancy. [Ed. Note: I think this dumb-dumb meant "antsy."]

Man, I'm so sorry all of that was for nothing. I missed my shot. I hope Jason's erotica will one day see publication (the next Twilight?!), but until then, I let it slip through my fingers.

You deserve better. I'm going to go pull a Hutchence/Carradine.


So, sadly that never came to pass. But if it had I may not have started up this site again. Especially if Brooksy didn't delete Tyler's revelation. I would have let that be the end of the story. 

So all's for the best in this best of all possible worlds.