Gardyloo #8: Help Wanted Edition

I just got back from Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It's too long, and the characters couldn't be more dull, but it's no dumber than you'd expect it to be. If you walk out of film called Batman vs. Superman and are confused why it wasn't a great film, that's on you. Anything with "vs." in the title is an excuse to eat popcorn and get away from your kids.

Twelve stars!

Help Wanted #1 - Gotham

If you live in the NYC area and you are willing to perform a simple trick for three different people one-on-one over the course of the next week or so, send me an email. I have a concept I want to test but I'd like to have people other than myself test it out. When I do anything it's like, "Oh, yeah, sure, people loved it. That's just because you're hyper charming and likable." Ok, guilty. So I'm looking for two or three other people to try something out for me.

To do the trick you'll need some items that you probably don't have access to, so you'll have to pick them up from a drop-off spot in midtown and then I'll email you further instructions.

I realize this makes it sound like you're an unwitting participant in a drug deal, but it's really just a dumb magic idea I want to test. I promise. Would I really spend a year writing a magic blog just to identify some strangers to mule heroin for me? That seems unlikely. I mean, if that was my plan all along then I'd probably ask you to buy this set of graduated butt plugs to let me know what kind of trunk-space you're dealing with, if --for example-- I wanted you to keister a couple of latex balloons filled with china white. But that's not what I'm asking of course. This blog is NOT a cover for my drug dealing operation. The people who bought my book are not expecting a hollowed out hardcover overflowing with Dragon Rock, my potent mix of heroin and crack. I mean... one's potent mix. That's like a totally absurd suggestion.

Annnyyyywhooooooo... so if you're in the NYC area and want to try a simple coin trick and report back your results, let me know.

[EDIT: Thanks to those who've emailed. I have a couple people lined up now. If one of them falls through I'll let you know.]

Dear Shawn,

You've, got to work on the humble part of the humble-brag. Otherwise it comes off as just bragging, and the only person who would brag about a standing ovation is someone who doesn't really think they're deserving of it. Next time, try one of these:

"Sorry if the show runs late, I forgot to account for the standing ovations when I was timing it out. #idiot."

"When my wife complimented me on my three standing O's. I said, 'No, honey, you were laying down and there were half a dozen of them.' Just realized she was talking about the reception to my show. #ImADummy #cunnilingus."

"I'm such a louse. Why didn't I lift up those wheelchair bound spectators during my standing ovations so they could take part in the pleasure of praising me? #inclusion #myapologies."

Help Wanted #2 - Harkey

Do you regularly perform any effects from David Harkey's book, Simply Harkey? If so, get in touch with me if you're willing to record yourself performing, or if you have something significant to add to any of the effects. It's for a series of posts I want to do in the future.

You may think I have an issue with mentalists, but I've seen plenty of great mentalism shows and love the art. Stage hypnotists, on the other hand, all suck turds. At least all the ones I've ever seen. It would be one thing if there was an ounce of validity to the whole enterprise and that required the process to be hacky and boring. But it's 100% phony and they still can't make it interesting? That's sad.

Speaking of sad, it's got be really sad when you fancy yourself a master of persuasion and suggestion and you (allegedly) can't convince a prostitute to let you film the two of you fucking. Let's be honest, the whole reason you got into hypnosis is because you thought -- for once -- you would be able to get people to do what you told them to. You thought it would be chick after chick just being like, 'Yes, master, you can film us fucking. Anything you wish, master." And instead you learn the only thing your "skill" is good for is getting community college students to pretend to play invisible orchestral instruments. And you're like, "This is the power I dreamt of wielding?" And so you're meeting up with 'tutes to do the things that goddamn wife of yours won't and you're not even persuasive enough to get one to be filmed willingly so you have to do it without her consent like a creep. That's depressing. Although not too much more depressing than the average hypnosis show.

Help Wanted #3 - Cosmetropolis (London Swings)

I'm thinking about spending the second half of 2016 in London. Does Jerx: London have any thoughts on what area I should plan on staying in and how much I should plan on spending for long-term accommodations? I'm fairly low-maintenance, I just require something that's not a shit-hole. Also, can I just move there for 6 months? Or do I need to have a job or something. I mean, I do have a job (making Dragon Rock), but do I need one that specifically brings me to London? If so, get in touch if you'd like to hire me. Usually I work in the creative fields, but I'll do chimney sweeping, or nannying, or whatever it is you've got out there. Just make me an offer.