Double Hemispherectomy


"Whoever the dumbest person at this table is, everyone else will chip in and buy their meal. So what is your evidence that you're the dumbest person here?" 

We go around the table and say why we're the dumbest person in the group.

One guy tells a story about getting caught in a bathrobe and having to call 911.

One girl tells the story about her 12-year marriage to a guy she didn't like from their first date on. 

Another guy tells the story of how, in college, he didn't like his roommates so he would pee in a soda bottle in his room so he wouldn't have to walk by them in the living room on his way to the bathroom. He would also eat his dinner secluded in his room as well. And one time, while eating his dinner, he took a big swig from the wrong soda bottle. 

I told the story of the time I went on a three-day water fast to experience what it was like. After 72 hours I broke my fast then went to bed. The next day I wake up and I go to piss and it comes out a deep crimson. Apparently I had fucked myself up on this water fast and was now peeing blood. I went to the emergency room and told the doctor I had been fasting for three days and now my pee was coming out blood red. He thought that was unusual and asked what I'd had when I broke the fast the previous night. "I didn't eat anything," I said. "I just drank a 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch."

"Oh... I'm an idiot," I said to the doctor, and walked out of the room.

After debating it, we decided the guy who got stuck in his bathrobe was the biggest idiot.

Later, we stood out on the sidewalk while a couple friends were smoking. "It's not fair," I said. "I'm definitely the biggest idiot. I had my brain removed when I was four because of a parasite."

"You had your whole brain removed?" someone asked.

"Yup. I mean, except for something the size of an almond. Completely empty up there."

"Look," I said. I turned on my camera's flashlight and held it to my ear. "Can you see it coming out the other side?" I asked. They said no. "My ear is just too tightly closed, I guess. Can you see the light coming out of my mouth?" I asked and opened wide. Again they said no. 

"Huh..." I said. "That dangly thing in the back must be blocking the light. Can you push it to the side?" I asked one of my friends.

"Your uvula?" he said. "That's disgusting."

"Oh, come on," I said and reached my thumb deep into my mouth to push my uvula out of the way. Light comes pouring out of my mouth. I pull my hand out and the light disappears. 

"See," I said. "Nothing up there. The light just ricochets around my empty skull."


A white D'lite.

Or not even that. The whole point of this is to sit around with your friends trying to fight for your position as the dumbest person in the group. The trick is just the punchline.