Statistically, Who is the Cafe's Shittiest Guest of Honor?

Sometimes I get a bug up my ass to figure out something completely meaningless. Recently I decided to take a look at all the Guests of Honor in the history of the Cafe and to determine which one stank up the joint the most. To do this I looked at the stats for their "Chef's Special" week and gave each Guest of Honor a score according to this formula: 5*(the number of topics)+the number of posts = total score. I think it's safe to say this formula will not only determine who was the best Magic Cafe Guest of Honor, but without question it will also indicate who the 10 greatest living magicians are.

Here are the 10 best.

There you have it. Those are the best our art has to offer. "Really, Andy? You're suggesting Randy Wakeman is the third best magician on the planet? This list doesn't include Copperfield, David Blaine, Penn & Teller." Yeah, no crap. If those guys are so great, then how come they've never been invited to be the Chef's Special on the Cafe? Use your head, ya dummy.

On the other end of the spectrum, here are the 10 lowest ranked Guests of Honor. Sorry, you guys, but you all stink.

And that answers the questions of who the shittiest Guest of Honor of all time was. It's Owain B. Miles. Or, as he's known in the magic world: Who?

You can see the whole ranking of all 154 Guests of Honor here. Finally we have a mathematical proof of who the greatest magicians of our time are. "But Andy, doesn't this score just reflect how well their 'Chef's Special' week went? It doesn't really reflect how good a magician they are." Oh, it doesn't? How dare you question me. Go. Leave. You're not allowed to read this site anymore. If this score is so meaningless then how come it accurately reflects what everyone says about these magicians? Like what do people say about David Regal all the time? "Yeah, he's not quite as good as Rudy Coby, but he's a little better than Michael Rubinstein." Everyone says that. It used to be on his promotional poster, for the love of god.

And you know how everyone confuses Jade and Troy Hooser? Well, surprise surprise, they just happen to have the same total score.

You can also compare their scores to see their relative greatness. For example, Joshua Jay has a total score of 342. Dan Harlan has a total score of 1915. Therefore Dan Harlan is 460% better a magician than Joshua Jay. Sorry, Josh, that's just math. If you've got a problem with it, take it up with Pythagoras.