MCJ the Lost Posts

I like to take it easy on the weekends here at The Jerx. Actually, I like to take it easy on weekdays too. I just generally like to take it easy. Especially after a week of long, more involved posts as I've had here this week. 

So today I'm reposting an old Magic Circle Jerk post which I think is otherwise lost to history (as in, I think it's one of the missing months on the Internet Archive for MCJ. But I don't really know because I didn't look all that hard for it.)

So below, from January 6th, 2004, is me making fun of the following ad...

From The Magic Circle Jerk - January 6th, 2004

Erogenous Zones 

Hello, Sexies.

I just picked up the October issue of Genii the other day. Yeah, I know I'm two months late, get over it. If you flip open that issue of the magazine you'll probably land on the two page Magic Zone ad on page 56 and 57. I love that ad. Now, I'm not questioning the feasibility or marketability of The Magic Zone franchise. To do that would be to ruin my shot of Kaufman hiring me to write the back page. I kid. Listen, I'm sure you can make money selling anything, but look at the picture of The Magic Zone kiosk, IT STOCKS NOTHING BUT D'LITES!!! Are you kidding me? D'lites are something you pitch standing on the back of a pick-up at a flea market then go 50 miles down the road and pitch in the next town. You don't open a store in the mall that sells glowing thumbtips. But what do I know, apparently it's doing well for them.

My problem with the ad is that it is an aggregation of every cheesy infomercial, bullshit cliche in existence, so of course it's going to appear like a scam to most people. From the relentless exclamation points to the testimonial about quitting your day job to the guy leaning against the Lamborghini. I love it. 

I was reading some message board or something and an owner of a Magic Zone came on and said something like, "Hey, were not some bullshit thing. We really help local magicians and we teach people how to use our products and give them support and so on, and so on." They give people product support. How retarded are you when you can't work a D'lite? I'm guessing these consultations sessions go something like this.

Customer: Hello. I'm having an issue with my D'lite.

Clerk: Well, we're here to serve you. What's the problem?

Customer: I keep getting my head stuck in it.

Because that's about how fucking stupid someone would have to be to have any questions on how to use a D'lite.

And I love Rocco leaning up against the Lamborghini, he's got the door propped open and he's looking at you as if to say, "Hey, I'm about to hop into my sweet ride and go cruising for tail. I just wanted to let you know about this hot business opportunity of selling magic in shopping malls. Maybe you're cool enough to take advantage of the opportunity, but maybe you're too square. Who's to say? I'm not implying anything but when some broad sees that Magic Zone logo on your vest, you can guarantee she will open her own "magic zone" just for you. You know what I mean? It doesn't take a genius to follow the progression: You get a Magic Zone franchise, you make the money, you buy the Lamborghini, you get the ladies. I mean seriously, you get a franchise and not only will your thumbtips be glowing red but so will your cock with gonorrhea from all the pussy you get."

I'd love to hear from any Magic Zone owner's past or present with anything good or bad to say about the experience. I have a feeling there are a bunch that are D'irt poor and D'estitute.